Quit Playing Games With My Heart
by Typhoon73
Summary: Jane and Maura had been a couple for quite some time, but when their private differences started to affect their work, the two women decided to break up. But that doesn't mean that they don't share a bed anymore. Not without consequences. Written in presence and in Jane's POV Of course it's Rizzles in the end!
1. Chapter 1

**This story is NOT inspired by the BSB song, unfortunately it does have the same name.**

 **Anyway, I write this because Until My Dying Breath, You Are My Light In Darkness and You'll Never Walk Alone – Fighting Shadows are coming to an end.**

 **I'm gonna rate this story M for now, but it can happen that I'll change it to T or even K.**

 **I hope you like it anyway.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73**

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My name is Jane Rizzoli and I am a Detective in the Homicide Unit of the Boston Police Department, but currently I am just a woman who's sitting in her favorite bar and is drinking her favorite beer while I'm watching my best friend, Dr. Maura Isle, flirting with some tall and handsome man. It's not like this is something I'm witnessing for the first time but it actually bothers me, like it always does.

Maura and I are friends for almost ten years and to be honest, it still surprises me that we became friends in the past because we were profoundly different. She was the distant, quirky Medical Examiner who was called some insulting names behind her back and I was the one who stood up for her and threaten those people to rip them a new one if they wouldn't stop calling her names. And in the same time, I was aloof, too. Perhaps that was because I didn't know how to handle Maura in the first place. I knew that she is a wealthy and well-educated woman that I'm just a blue-collar cop who doesn't know how to act in her world. I didn't believe that two people from two different worlds could ever get along. And then Charles Hoyt happened, and Maura turned out to be my safe haven the night my brother Frankie and my mother Angela became meddling and conquered my apartment. I ditched them in my apartment and drive all the way to Beacon Hill, of course I called Maura before I showed up at her front door and asked if it'd come by that night and she didn't hesitate to agree. I think, that night changed everything, I think that night drew us as close as possible and it didn't leave us much of a choice then to become best friends. Ever since that night it was almost impossible to get us apart. We hardly had a fight. Okay, the day I shot her father, Paddy Doyle, almost made us end our friendship, but after getting both of almost killed, we were as close as we never were before. I have to admit, both of us acted like a baby that time. Because either of us had been hurt.

And three years after that, Maura and I crossed a line one night. We were sitting on her couch and had a little too much. It was a rainy night and we had been working a hard case. A triple murder. A mother who poisoned her three children so she wouldn't have to share custody with her ex-husband, who turned out to be abusive.

That night we talked about everything and anything. Our plans for the future, plans for the present. We also talked about our childhood and our teenage years. And then our love life came up. I always knew that Maura speaks boldly about her sex life, but I don't do the same and I blushed so many times … I don't think I blushed so many times in my entire life, but I didn't ask her to stop. On the contrary, I asked her things I wouldn't have asked hard-nosed. That's how I got to know that Maura likes men and women. I never hid the fact that I am into women even Maura knew it, she also tried every now and then set me up with women she thought they'd be interested in me or a night with me. In that time, I already was interested in only one woman, but didn't have the guts to tell her.

That night though, it changed everything. The next thing I remember is Maura straddling my lap and her lips on my neck. I knew very well that if we'd cross that line, I'd be lost. But I was incapable to tell her to stop and my hands had a will of their own and started to pulled her sweater over her head.

I have to close my eyes as the memory cross my mind and empty my beer bottle, ordering a new one. Things had changed that night but we pretended that nothing had happened at work and in front of my mother, and brothers. The problem was, we ended up in bed with each other frequently after that night, sober. We had sex when we needed some relief but at some point, I was tired of hiding. I could see that my family became suspicious when they saw Maura and me around each other. So, we officially started to date, we officially became a couple and after almost a year we officially broke up, but that didn't keep us from having sex with each other. Maura calls it a friendship without commitments, I called it good until someone get hurt.

And at some point, I got hurt. It hurt me when Maura left the Dirty Robber with a man or a woman. It hurts me when she tells me how much they have in common and I realize that she and I never meant to be, and in the same time I know that in the end either she or the person she is with is going to end the … relationship because they are way too different. It hurts me to see Maura being hurt. And I know that it's going to happen this time again. His name is Cory Sullivan, he's in her age. He has an olive complexion, straight brown hair cut short, and gray eyes. He's tall, fairly muscular, and is wearing a black business suit. I have absolutely no idea what he's doing for a living. I'm sure Maura told me but I went deaf on that point.

Honestly, I shouldn't be at the Dirty Robber right now and I start to pick on the label of my beer with a deep frown. I'm not meeting with Frankie and Korsak is working at the bar right now, perhaps I should text Nina, asking her if she'd like to drop by here, but I don't. I don't because I'm sure she'd rather spend the night with her boyfriend instead with me, and I won't ruin that. I'm not that kind of person. I don't even know why I'm here tonight. Maybe because I wanna make sure that Cory isn't an asshole, maybe I wanna make sure that he treats her well, maybe I wanna see him with my very own eyes to understand that we are over and done for real.

Over and done. Are Maura and I really over and done? Will we ever be?

I smile at the waitress as soon as she places a fresh beer in front of me and look back to Maura and her newest admirer. Our eyes meet and I see her smile, that is meant for Cory, drop. I take a deep breath and force myself to give her encouraging, wry smile. I swear, I mean to be happy for her, I am happy if she is. But knowing that this relationship won't last longer than three months … I know that it won't make her happy.

I watch Maura telling Cory something and then she gets up from her chair, walking towards my table.

I take a deep breath and lean back in my chair, grinning at her. I love watching her approaching me with that little extra swing of her hips. I swear, she's trying to kill me by wearing those extra tight dresses because she knows I know what's under it, or what's not under it. No, that's only in my mind, this is Maura's way to dress.

She sits down on the chair across of me and frowns, I smile at her, though. "What's bothering you?"

"The case is keeping my mind busy." I reply and want to slap myself immediately. There is no case that could keep my mind occupied. Today was a slow day, for all of us. All I had to do was paperwork, thank God. Unfortunately, she knows that, too.

Maura's frowning at me. "Jane."

I roll my eyes. "You know that this is my favorite bar, especially since Korsak owns it. And I prefer to spend it here then alone in my apartment."

She's studying me and licks her lips. The little gesture makes me looking at them and I feel the need to press mine against hers. "You're not spying on me, are you?"

I feign a laugh and take a swig from my beer, furrowing my brows. "I am not." I stop and put the bottle back down, thrusting my chin in the direction of Cory. "How's your date going?"

Maura's shifting in her seat and licks her lips once more. "He's very nice."

I know what this means. I know she's saying that he's a nice guy and that they'll gonna have some fun tonight but there won't be more than just a one-night-stand. Don't get me wrong, it might sound like she's a slut who's trying to get laid by every single male and female in Boston, but I know she isn't. I know that Maura is just trying to find someone with whom she can get happy for the rest of her life, and that she's trying to move on. I was just hoping that I'd be the one she'd spend the rest of her life with. Let's name it, I fell for her, hard. But she told me that it wouldn't work out because our … relationship would affect work.

To be fair, I am not a teetotaler after we broke up, either. I hook up with a woman ever now and then, too. But I don't take them to places where I am known by family. And Korsak is and his staff is family to me. I nod and take a deep breath. "That's good."

"Jane, why are you really here?"

"Because I wanted to have a beer before I go home." I reply with a dramatic sigh and look long at her, knowing that she's not buying it. "I didn't want to be alone tonight. I didn't mean to bother you."

She's reaching for my hand and squeezes it lightly. "You don't bother me at all, Jane."

Jane, the way she's saying my name is stirring something deep within me and I hold her hand a little tighter. It's not like she's saying my name for the first time, but the way she says it reminds me of the first night we spent together. The way she breathed it and tangled her fingers in my hair when I went down on her for the very first time. The way she still breathes it when I go down on her.

I am normally not like this, I am not that obsessive about a woman I have been with, but this is Maura. She's not like any other woman, and she got me. I am not that kind of person who's having sex with a taken woman, purposely. But Maura brings out my best … and my worst.

I know that I am looking at her the way I shouldn't during her official date with Cory, predatorily, because her breath hitch and her pupils dilate. I clench my jaw and hold her hand even tighter so she doesn't get the chance to pull it out of my grasp. "You know what I'm thinking right now?" I am sabotaging. Why on earth am I sabotaging my best friend's date? Look at what Maura Isles turned me into.

Maura's holding my gaze and a smile tugs on her lips, worrying her bottom lip and shifting in her seat. "Yes." She whispers.

I don't let go of her hand even though I know that Cory turned his attention to us and see me holding Maura's hand and maybe he sees more than he like but I don't give a fuck about it. I still hold Maura's hand while I'm thinking of being deep inside of her with my fingers, how her walls tighten around me and how her sweaty body is pressing against mine. How her body's arching when she's riding out the waves of pleasure, panting my name. Hell, how many times my back have seemed to be in a one-on-one fight with a wild cat the next morning, according to the scratches on it the day after. I take a deep breath and run my thumb over her knuckles the way he normally should do at the end of the evening. I want to run my hand up of one of her thigh of which I know would part easily. I lick my lips and take deep breath. "You should go back to your date."

Maura still looks at me and nods approvingly but she doesn't make the attempt to get up to her feet. I can tell that this Cory guy is running out of patience because he turns his head every few seconds to check if Maura's coming back to their table. I am tempted to get up from my chair and to tell him that their date is already over and that I'm the one who's screwing Maura tonight, but I don't because I am not sure if it's true. And I don't do so because I don't wanna ruin her chance to get happy.

I never did that because of the same reason. It's not my job to tell her suitor to take off. Maura wouldn't tell Cory that straight in the face, either. For that she's way too polite. I can see someone standing next to our table from the corner of my eyes and I turn my head only to look into gray eyes I haven't seen before, but I don't pull my hand away from Maura's. Neither does she and I see that he's understanding.

Cory clears his throat and shoves his hands into the pockets of his dress pants. "It's late already and I have to get to work early tomorrow. I … um … I should go."

Maura blinks a couple of times before she gets up to her feet and walks him out of the Dirty Robber. I see them talking outside and take a sip of my beer before I notice another person standing at my table. I frown and look up slowly only to meet my mother's eyes. She's staring at me and I want to squirm a little because her intense gaze makes me more than uncomfortable. "What?" I more growl and she sit down on Maura's chair.

She waits a moment before she leans forward. "Are you okay, Jane?"

I scoff and lean back in my chair. I know that she's silently asking what I'm doing and why I'm actually here. I have watched my mother talking to this Cory and noticed that he was able to make Ma smile and even laugh like he told her a joke or something. I also noticed that she got along with this guy. I didn't like that fact and maybe that made me staying here and see how everything would turn out, maybe that's why I decided to sabotage this date. I know that it's very important for Maura that Ma likes the men and women she date, too. It seems like she's hoping that Ma gives her the thumbs up before she really thinks about a serious relationship.

My mother didn't have to think twice when Maura and I broke the news that we started dating. On the contrary, I think that she was already planning our wedding back then, and grandchildren of course.

I don't know who was more heartbroken when we broke up. Ma or me. To be fair, Maura and I agreed that we wouldn't work out as a couple. Somehow, we weren't capable to part private life from work life and everything and everyone suffered of it, it went that far that Maura was thinking about a transfer. Ma and Frankie were that horrified about the news that they started to ask what was going on. I asked myself the same question, too. That's why I sat down with Maura the evening and it turned out that neither she nor I were able to keep our private life out of our work, and we decided that it would be better for all of us to end the relationship. Don't think that I was the only one who made mistakes in that time, Maura made some, too. I'm not starting to blame her for anything, that's not my style.

"Jane?"

I blink a couple of times and look back at my mother. I didn't even notice that I drifted off. "Huh?"

My mother is frowning at me. "I asked if you are okay."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just -" I trail off and take a swig from my beer. "I just have a beer before I go home. It has been a long day."

Ma's nodding slowly and she looks in the direction of her so-called foster-daughter. "You are not here to watch over Maura?"

I run my left hand through my hair and don't meet her eyes. I know that Ma knows that Maura and I are still … I don't have a name for what we are. Not exactly. Yeah, sure. I have a name for it but I can't say it out loud or even really think of it. Let's just say that what we have is complicated. I know that Ma knows because Maura and I don't even try to hide the fact that we are having an affair. Sure, my mother is worried about it and about us. Every once in a while, she tells us that it might be exciting until one of us hurt the other, and that this is no healthy relationship, but apart from that she's staying out of it, which surprises both of us. Maura and me.

I squint at her and huff. "Can't I have a beer after a long working day?"

She's placing a hand on mine and looks me long in the eye. "At the same day Maura's meeting Cory?" She pulls her hand back the moment I glare at her. "You should meet him. He's a very nice man. Have a coffee and a talk."

"Not interested in that," I grumble into my bottle before I drink from it.

Ma opens her mouth to reply something but shuts it again the moment Maura walks up to my table.

Maura smiles down at me. "Are you ready to leave?"

"Yes," I say a little too enthusiastic, get up to my feet and snatch my jacket from the back of the chair. "More than ready."

Ma's huffing and gets up from her chair as well, it's a disapproving huff because she is aware of the fact that Maura won't see Cory ever again.

Maura's looking at me questioningly but I roll my eyes while I put my jacket on.

"Don't ask." I grumble and place my hand on the small of her back, knowing that this little gesture won't go unnoticed.

She's frowning a little while I lead the way out of the bar but says, "Okay."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, guys. Thank you so much for supporting my newest story, it really means a lot to me 🙂**

 **And thanks for your kind words.**

 **This update is a little longer, but I hope you like it.**

 **As well you are welcome to tell me what you think.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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Washing off her scent is always the hardest part after a night we spent together, but that's what I'm doing right now. I'm standing under my shower and wash Maura off my body. I'm bracing myself on the tiled wall in my shower stall and let the water run down my body. It's warm and it's somehow soothing but it's not able to wash my thoughts away. I still remember how Maura and I had an argument about the shower head that was installed in here before. It didn't work properly and she offered me to buy a new one and to get it installed. I refused her offer and told her that I can get this fixed myself, that I don't need a plumber because I am the daughter of one and that I don't need handouts, that I could afford a damn shower head myself. Imagine, a fucking argument because a stupid shower head.

Maura called me stubborn and proud, I called her protrusive and braggadocious.

Because of a shower head!

Back then, Maura was right, the damn thing didn't work properly and I had planned to get a new one for six months already, but that day I was too stubborn to agree with her and to let her getting me a new one. Don't ask me why. Maybe because I was embarrassed that moment, maybe because it just pissed me off that moment. The upshot was that we didn't talk to each other for the rest of the week. Well, didn't talk unless it was work-related.

I think those little things made us end our relationship. We didn't break up because I can be a jealous prick, not because we spent too much time at work and sometimes didn't see each other for a day or two, that wasn't the problem, not at all. Sometimes I think that this kind of distances was good for us. The main problem was my insecurity when it came to financial affairs.

I always knew that I couldn't take Maura to the restaurants she was used to when someone took her out for dinner, or even lunch, I couldn't buy her those presents and those kinds of wines she likes so much and I am not quite showable at gala events. That's what I thought. I should've known better, though. I should have known that Maura doesn't give a damn about all those fancy things and that she doesn't need them as long as she feels safe and is happy. I thought I could give her those feelings, that I could make us both happy. It turned out that I was dragging us both down with my insecurities.

As I said, I am not the only one who made mistakes in this relationship, but it's easier for me to emphasize mine right now. It's hard to believe that a woman like Maura actually has flaws. Sure, everyone has their own kind of flaws that drives their partner nuts, but hey, I'm talking about Dr. Maura Isles. Okay, maybe I'm romanticizing her because I'm in … No, I don't even go there again.

Already thinking back of last night makes it hard for me to keep my feelings in check. Maura headed straight to my car and I drove without questioning in the direction of my apartment building, we didn't speak during the ride and spoke even less the moment the door of my apartment fell shut behind us. We didn't need much time to get rid of our clothes, it was almost predatorily but then something changed, the mood in my bedroom shifted and I rolled Maura onto her back and then we didn't just had sex, we loved each other. I had the feeling that she needed it as much as I needed it, but that was something neither of us wanted to happen again because allowing those feelings would make everything even more complicated than they already are.

That's why I'm standing in my shower right now and bang my head into the wall. Maura left an hour ago and I'm really glad about it. Not because I don't wanna spend more time with her, but because I don't want her to see in what a mess I am about to turn. I don't want her see that I'm struggling with my feelings and I don't want to force her to do something she isn't ready to do. I don't want to force a relationship on Maura she doesn't want to have. Or maybe she wants it but not with me, I'm not sure about that. I am such an idiot, instead of having sex with her, I should have sit her down and talk about my dilemma, and in the same time I was afraid that she'd end our affair once and for all, and I'm not sure if I'd survive that. All I have to do now is to stuff those feelings back into a box, lock it up, throw the key away, get dressed, have breakfast and head to work. I'm not even sure if I'm going to see her today or in the next few days. That's the benefit of having an affair, you don't have the obligation to see the other person as many times as possible. Is it satisfying? I'm still figuring that out.

I take a deep breath and turn off the water before I get out of the stall to get ready for a new day at the BPD.

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I am sitting at my desk, consecrate myself to the overdue paperwork as I see a shadow on my desk. I can say that it is neither Frankie nor Korsak who is behind me and I slowly straighten up. Somehow, I have a depressing feeling, it's almost threatening. I turn my head and I almost lost my tongue. This Cory guy stands behind me and smiles a bit because I'm very likely have a befuddled expression right now. I turn my chair to him and try to keep a straight face. "Can I help you?"

At that moment, Korsak comes into the bullpen and his footsteps slow as soon as he spots the intruder. His expression is as surprised as mine, but in the next second he silently asks me if I need support. He sits down on his chair as soon as I shake my head a little.

Cory clears his throat and shifts from one foot to the other. "I … I was looking for Dr. Isles."

I try to keep my voice calm. Last night, this guy had oozed with self-confidence. Now Cory gives more the impression of a boy who is sent to the principal. Somehow funny, right? I think it's funny because I'm more than sure that Maura would never go out with this kind of guy. Someone who shits his pants at the slightest sign of trouble. Okay, when it comes to Maura I can also become a scaredy-cat because she has a very self-confidence demeanor. But most of the time I get scared because Maura is in danger most of the time. But then I don't shit bricks, I become extremely angry. And I use this anger to do everything to get Maura out of the danger zone, and in the worst case, to bring her safe and sound home again. I use this fear for myself or at least I try to.

I clear my throat and glance briefly at Korsak. Who's hiding an amused smile behind his coffee mug. "She should be downstairs in her office, shouldn't she?"

Korsak only nods but then he shrugs. "I have no clue."

I am about to get my phone in my hand to text her that her suitor is in the bullpen, looking for her.

My dear brother Frankie joins us and ignores Cory completely. He places a brown paper bag on Korsak's desk and frowns a little. "If you're looking for Maura, she's not in the station. There was a pile-up in Plymouth. Could take her a couple of hours. I purse my lips so I don't start to grin widely and lower my phone onto my desk. That's the good thing about working together, if a colleague tells you something could take up a long time, then it's literally and you can your opponent to get lost. Well, it'll be better you don't use the exact utterance, though.

I lean back in my chair again and look into his gray eyes. "I'll tell her that you were here for her."

He clears his throat and nods slowly. "Thanks." He turns to leave but then looks back at me. "It was nice to meet you, Detective Rizzoli. I heard a lot of good things about you."

Korsak chokes on his coffee and I give him a stern look while Frankie starts to cough the moment Cory says that. I smile at Cory and nod. "Yeah." I simply say. Yeah, I'm sure Maura shared some nice stories but not those which are most interesting.

Korsak starts to chuckle the moment Cory leaves and I glare at him, silently telling him to save it.

"This guy doesn't know that you and Maura have a … special bond," Frankie asks and Korsak burst out laughing.

I roll my eyes. "Seriously? Special bond?"

"Do you prefer friends with benefits?"

"I prefer you staying out of my business." I snap and grab my phone, writing Maura that I need to see her as soon as she's back at the station. I freeze the second I send the text. Maybe the message sound kinda wrong and a little too desperate. But I wanna know why this guy shows up at the station even though he's meant to be out of the picture at all.

All right, actually it shouldn't be bothering me anymore but I can't help it. I need to know if Maura's planning to keep on seeing this guy. This morning I was hoping that she and I don't cross ways today after the last night, but Cory showing up at the precinct is pissing me extremely off.

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It has been four hours since the unexpected visit of Maura's newest suitor until I got a text back that she's back in the station and that I can come down to the morgue any time I want to. Before I know it myself I'm down in the lab and look at Ken who's nodding in the direction of his supervisor's office. I don't have to voice the reason why I'm down here anymore. Either it is because I'm looking for some lab results or I'm looking for the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I head straight for Maura's office and knock on the door that's left ajar. I wait until Maura's voice ask me to come in, close the door behind me as well as the blinds. Okay, that gives the false impression. I am not about to do something naughty to Maura in here during working time, but I don't want to see anyone if we start to have an argument sooner or later. I turn to her and freeze because Maura has tilted her head and is frowning a little. "Hey."

She gives me a sweet and calm smile. "Hi."

I have no idea why I start to feel nervous right now. It's not like I've never closed the door and blinds before or see her after a night we shared together. I swallow hard and lick my lips. "Hi."

She raises her brows and chuckles. "What's so urgent, Jane?"

I blink a couple of times and swallow down the lump in my throat. "We had a visitor earlier this day, who was looking for you." I wait for a reaction but don't get one. Yeah, I admit it. That was not the best opener. "Cory came here to see you."

Maura turns her back to me and rummage her purse. "Oh."

Oh. That's it? All I get is an oh. I step closer and furrow my brows. "Are you going to tell me why he shows up at BPD?"

"I don't know."

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME! I feel the anger bubbling up in my stomach but I force myself to keep my voice low. "You don't know if you'll tell me why he came here?"

I know that she's sensing my anger because she turns back to me and her face is unreadable. "I don't know why he came to the station today, Jane. I told him that it'd be best if we stay friends, that we would not work out."

And now I feel like a jealous fool, and I feel bad because I have no right to be jealous anymore. And because I let my walls down for the split of a second again. I close my eyes and feel her stepping closer to me and I wish I'd have kept the blinds open.

Maura runs her hands over my shoulders, saying. "Jane, look at me."

I refuse. I shake my head and keep my eyes close because I know they'd give me away the second, I look at her. I know she would know in what kind of trouble I am right now when I'd look into those hazel eyes I love so much. My hands are twitching when the word's crossing my mind.

"I know last night was different," she says softly but I still refuse to look at her. Hell, yeah. Last night was different and she started it. Maura started to turn a common fuck into something that is coupled with deep and confusing feelings. Into something that is coupled with deep trust and love. Real love. Last night wasn't just a fuck at all, last night we gave ourselves to each other, implicitly.

My body goes ridge the moment her lips are gracing mine and I open my eyes only to look into hazel ones which are as troubled as mine are. I can tell that she's fighting an inner battle just as I do and I furrow my brows, wondering why we do this to each other. Why we can't get our shit together and become a real couple once and for all. I place my hands on her hips and pull her closer, opening my mouth.

"Don't," she whispers and shakes her head. This time she's the one who has her eyes closed. "Don't say it, Jane. Please don't."

Right, that's another reason why I lost it every now and then. I'm a grown woman who can stand the fact that someone says that they like me a lot or care about me after I declared my love for them. What is killing me is when someone ask me to not say it at all, to stuff my feeling back down my throat. That's another reason why Maura and I didn't work out. I know that she loved me, still loves me, but at some point, I need to say it out loud. I needed to say out loud Maura, I love you and from that moment on everything went to hell in a handbasket. Back then this little request felt like a big rejection and it hurt the most. Hearing her asking me not to say that I love her felt like a dagger she dragged slowly and deep into my heart, twisting it slowly. I couldn't understand why she didn't want me to say those little three words, and I still don't understand it. We had a fight because of it many times and back then I demanded an answer from Maura, which she refused to give me.

I take a deep breath and nestle my nose in the crook of her neck. I feel her relax against my body and her hands running up my back. I close my eyes and take a moment before I ask, "Why?" This time I ask her gently, I whisper the question against her skin. This time I don't yell it at the top of my lungs, I don't go and hide in the gym of BPD because the argument gets out of control, beating the crap out of a punching bag. This time I don't push Maura. Okay, I do but not as hard as in the past. And I want to slap myself instantly. Why can't I stop doing this, why can't I stop pushing Maura when it comes to that topic. Why can't I just shut my mouth and take it as it is, enjoy the moments that we have together and that's it. Life is too short to stew over every single little thing. I take another deep breath and want to break our embrace again but I'm stopped by Maura as she tightens her hold, keeping me in place.

Thank God, I have closed the blinds, but didn't lock the door which means that this moment can be interrupted by an employee any moment, but I know that they know better when I am in this office and when the blinds are closed unless something is very important and can't wait. I doubt that the teamer who caused the pile-up is a serial killer. My body goes ridge at the thought. Who am I fooling? Everyone knows that some of teamers who are mobile serial killer who are hard to catch because of that.

Maura pulls her head back and frowns. "What's wrong?"

I release my breath and hope that this truck drive is not a serial killer. "Nothing." I answer quietly.

"Is it because of us?"

"No," I answer truthfully and lower my head, our lips are only inches apart. I search her eyes to make sure that she won't shy away when I'm going to kiss her. It wouldn't be the first time that she'd do that because she was seeing someone else. But that only happened twice and because she thought that those relationships would turn into something serious. Then I felt like a fool and avoided her for more than a week until she showed up at my place and our affair started all over again. But this time I know that she won't back down, that she doesn't think that she and this Cory guy could turn into something serious. Or she doesn't want it to happen because obviously he thinks otherwise. I can see it in her eyes that she isn't going to see him again, not in that way. Perhaps she'll ask him to meet her so she make this clear, to tell him straight in the face that they won't work out as a couple. I can't tell how Maura's going to turn him down. I am a cop, no fortuneteller.

I raise my left hand and caress her cheek gently, and she closes her eyes. "Maura -" I trail of because she keeps her eyes closed and shakes her head again. I kiss her gently and know better than trying to tell her what is in my mind, in my heart. "You know where to find me if you need me, if you need to talk to someone."

Maura releases me slowly and smiles at me. But this time it's not a happy smile, or neutral smile. It's a sad smile and I see that she's trying to blink back the tears in her eyes, that she allowed me for a second to look deep down into her soul and I wonder who hurt her so much in the past that she can't even tell me. That she won't even tell me.

And right now, I want to hold her as close as possible and never let her go, I want to protect her from any kind of harm that is existing in this world, but I can't because I still have paperwork to do and I'm sure that our new squad leader wouldn't be so pleased about me once more delaying it. Yeah, we have another supervisor and his name is not Vince Korsak. Her name is Jadyn Kubicka and got this job just because good connections and because Korsak did the Lieutenant's exam but refused to take the Homicide Unit over. Neither have seen this coming and neither of us had been pleased the day when Kubicka showed up and turned everything topsy-turvy. She also told all of us that a relationship of a detective and an employee of the ME's office would be more than just inappropriate. That was directed into Maura's and my direction but we didn't give a fuck about that new rule. Well, I didn't give a fuck about it. I saw that Maura was furious that day and I tried to calm her down, in vain. She followed Kubicka into her office and shut the door behind her. It was the first and the last time that we heard Maura arguing loudly with our lieutenant behind closed doors, and it was the first and the last time we saw Maura storming out of said office with a red face. It was sure that Maura and Kubicka would never become friends that day, or that they would get along. That was the day when Maura decided to come up to the bullpen less frequently. I still don't know what my lieutenant told the Chief Medical that day, Maura still won't tell me. That day I decided that I won't like Kubicka, either. Not only because of Maura but because she tried to partner me up with a slowpoke named Lester Black. Kubicka learned the hard way that I'm only compatible with Korsak, Frankie, Maura and Nina.

Have I ever mentioned that I don't like changes? No? Well, I am not a big fan of changes. No, that is an understatement. I hate changes when they affect me and my team. I know that it sounds stupid, calling them my team because Korsak is our supervisor and the most experienced detective I've ever known, and because they are not just my colleagues. No, they are much more, they are my family but during work I have to lower my sights.

I push those thoughts to the back of my head and kiss her once more what makes her running her hands underneath the collar of my dress shirt and a growl rumbles from my chest. "I have to go, Maura." I husk but push her into the direction of her desk. I don't even know why I'm doing this because we have the strict rule that we won't have sex in the office during working time and when my new Lieutenant is in the building. My left travels up her thigh the moment the back of her legs hit her desk and I hear her breath hitching in her throat.

This is the kind of sex we are supposed to have after I picked her up from one of her so-called dates. Raw and animally.

Maura's eyes roll back to her head but she places a hand on my chest, pushing me slightly away so I know that she's not turning me down right now. "Aren't you supposed to go back to your desk?"

Another growl rumbles from my chest and she's holding her breath because she knows that I'm tempted to throw all caution over board right now and risk a suspension. I kiss her once again. This time hard and she moans the moment I force my tongue into her mouth, slipping my hand between her thighs only to see if she's as ready as always, and she is. I swear to God, I have to force myself from going any further. I run my thumb over her clit twice before I take my distance again, leaving her breathless.

I walk backwards to the door and watch her closely, stating, "See you tonight at your place."

Maura's trying to regain her self-control again and licks her lips, keeping her eyes closed for a second. But when she looks at me my breath is hitching because she looks like I have unleashed the beast in her, the one I haven't met already. "You bet," she replies with a devilish smile and turns her back to me like nothing has happened.

I swallow hard and leave Maura's office again, without another word because I'm afraid that it'd make her jump at me. I meet Ken's suspicious eyes on my way to the elevator. I step into it and close my eyes the moment the door is closing. What the hell just happened? I came down here to tell Maura that Cory showed up and wanted to see her and nearly ended up fucking her on her desk. I close my eyes and bang my head into the wall of the elevator.

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I haven't parked my car right in Maura's driveway. I parked it on the curb right in front of her house and I am sure that she has seen me already but gives me the time to decide if I come in or to head to wherever I wanna go now.

I'm struggling with myself right now, I want to be close to her right now, claim her, mark her as mine, and in the same time I want to be somewhere else, get my head straight, figuring out what I really want.

I grab the steering wheel tightly and closing my eyes. I know that I want Maura and in the same time I know that we won't work out unless I let my walls down completely, and I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet. I mean, Maura has already seen me unveiled, she already has seen my vulnerability. Physically and emotionally. That's something only a view has seen.

I take a deep breath and look at the passenger's seat. There is a bouquet of wild iris, a bottle of red wine Maura likes so much and which I can afford, and a six pack of beer for me. I'm not really sure why Maura likes that kind of flowers because if I'm right iris is connected with the death. Which would make perfectly sense because of Maura's profession. Okay, that's rude and that's a cliché. Just because she's a medical examiner, it doesn't mean that she's indeed addicted to the death.

And just because I connect those flowers with it, it doesn't mean that I'm right. I mean, who am I to know?

I mean, I don't like flowers and I don't know what a particular kind means. I have to look the meaning up in the internet sometimes, and then I have to decide if they fit my personality and the meaning I'm trying to express with it.

Sure, I like it when my family gets me a bouquet of flowers for my birthday or even for a special occasion like me working for the BPD ten year, but I never liked it when someone brought me flowers on our date. I, on the other hand, always brought Maura flowers. In the end of our relationship I got them for her when I was working late and forgot about our dinner plans or when I fucked over. I know I'm a walking cliché at some point.

I take another deep breath and hesitate before I start the engine of my car again. I told Maura that we'd meet after work at her place and I know that I'm going to break that promise and hurt her by driving away again even though I know that she has seen my car already, but right now I need to be somewhere else. That's why I drive off and turn my phone off as well because I know that she'll try to get in touch with me only to make sure that I'm okay. I also know that she'll be mad at me and that I have to do my very best to explain why I drove off instead of coming in and spend the night with Maura. I only can hope that she'll understand tomorrow.

"I'm sorry, Maura." I say to my turned off phone before I throw it onto the passenger's seat. "I need to do this. For my own sake."


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for your reviews, following and that you favor this story. And some big thanks for all your support and encouragement to continue this story. I was planning to continue this one anyway, I know that not everyone who's starting to read this story is going to like it automatically and no one's forced to read it if you don't like it. I know how it feels if you have some expectations. It happens to me too and if the story doesn't turn out to be the way I thought, I stop reading it. It's as simple as that. And all I can assure you are that this story will be Rizzles in the end. It might take a little longer than I thought myself.**

 **Anyway, once again, thank you for giving this story a shot.**

 **And as always, you are welcome to share your thoughts with me.**

 **Enjoy this update,**

 **T73.**

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The next morning, I enter Maura's house and find the ME standing behind standing at the kitchen island, her back turned to me.

I sense that she is somewhat angry and disappointed, most likely because I turned my phone off and didn't even text her when I turned the device back on at my apartment. Her texts told me that she was worried in the first place, then she was hurt and after that she turned beyond furious. Writing things, I know she didn't mean to. I won't say what those messages said right now.

I heave a sigh and drop my keys on the counter, hesitating but then I round the island and stand close behind her, placing my hands on her hips. "I'm sorry." I whisper and kiss her neck gently. I love the advantage when she's wearing her hair in a ponytail.

She tilts her head a little but doesn't respond and I know that she's mad at me even though she might understand why I had to do this. I kiss her neck again, lightly, without any ulterior motives. "Maura -"

"I know that you are sorry, Jane." She cut me off and I furrow my brows. Her voice is calm but clinical and I know that she's only trying to protect herself, trying to protect her heart. We already had been there before. "I really know you are, you don't have to apologize."

I take a deep breath and run my hands down her shoulders to tell her that she can yell at me, call me any kind of names if she wants to, even that it'd be okay if she'd slap my face, but I know that Maura would never do any of this. Nothing of this besides yelling. Sometimes I'd prefer her becoming physical instead of punishing me with silence, instead of bottling up her anger.

I want to tell her once more that I'm sorry but I shut my mouth again before the words can slip out of it, knowing that it would only rattle her cage even more. I think it's time to ease the tension a little bit and walk towards the coffee maker, getting myself a cup out of one of the hanging cupboards. "I thought I'd run into your suitor Cory because I didn't stop by last night."

She turned to me, her face unreadable. "I actually contacted him after you drove off without telling me what's going on."

I clench my jaw for the split of a second and look in the direction of the stairs, keeping my expression neutral and expecting to see him coming down any second. "Oh. He didn't have time for you?"

Maura takes a sip of her very own coffee and frowned a little. "I contacted him that we won't date anymore and that he should not come again to the station."

I have to admit, relief is washing me but I still keep a straight face while pouring myself a cup of coffee. "How did he take your … little break up?"

"He was very understanding because he had the feeling that you and I are … more than friends."

"And yet he had the balls to show up at BPD and face me." My smile slips because Maura doesn't smile back at me. I'm beyond glad that today we have the weekend off and that neither of us are on call unless a serial killer is on the loose. And yet I never wished more for a serial killer running around in Boston. Is that sick? Hell, yeah! I watch Maura rounding the island and sitting down one of her high chairs. "You know, you could have asked Ma to come over last night, ask her to have a girl's night. I'm sure she'd have gladly accept."

Maura's looking long at me, running her fingertips along her bottom lip. "I didn't want to spend the night with your mother, Jane." She replies and I raise my eyebrows high. "Not because I wanted you to be in my bedroom, because I wanted to sit with my best friend on the couch and have nice evening. You should know by now that I'm not only thinking about sex every time I see you. That would be very frustrating at some point."

I frown a little and take a sip of my coffee. Am I the only one who turns into a horny teenage boy every time I'm around her. Okay, truth be told, right now I'm anything but horny. Right now, I'm more tired because I hardly slept last night, my mind was too busy to find some rest, and I know that Maura can see that but is discrete enough not to point that out. I see that she's wondering why I start to have restless nights again even though she knows the reason well. In the past, before we had been together, I'd assert that the nightmares of Hoyt would be back and that it'd be alright after some time. But I know that Maura know that it would be a big fat lie. She was there, too. She got to know that teenage boy herself and she was as worried as Frankie, Nina, Korsak and I were. And she had a hard time after his passing, too. All of us blamed ourselves for not preventing his death even though we all knew of what his mother's boyfriend was capable of, unfortunately we weren't able to convict her boyfriend of the murder of his … business partner. I never really understood how a woman that is lightning-quick could be together with an over-the-hill, abusive pimp and drug dealer.

Her seventeen-year-old Elias Torre happened to witness how his so-called father beat his partner to death after he mucked up a big drug deal. Elias had the guts to come to the precinct and to drop a dime on his mother's boyfriend Luke Ashton. Elias was a very smart and a very brave kid who didn't mince matters, telling us when and where the murder of Luke's partner took place. And to tell us where he kept his drugs and his money. In a nutshell, Luke was fucked after Elias came to us. Maura was able to confirm that his partner, Gresha Lutz, has been beaten to death with bare hands, and that he was a regular user himself.

However, we asked Celina Torre to come in and confirm her son's statement, to confirm that her boyfriend actually was an abusive thug. It took a little bit of arm-twisting but after some time she told us that Luke was that bastard Elias described to us, and even worse. She feared for her life, and for the one of her son, telling us that Elias was never the one who stepped back when Luke started to beat the living daylights out of her, always ending up in the hospital, both of them.

During the investigation, that unfortunately took us almost a week, all of us became closer to Elias and his mother. He told us that he wanted to become a cop after college and that made us showing him what the job of a cop includes, of course we didn't let him look into Luke Ashton's case of course.

Nina was amused because she and Elias discussed all kind of IT knowledge they had while we were tried to take care of the Ashton case. Frankie told him stories of his time as a uniformed just as Korsak. In the end, we really had a close bond with Elias and Celina. She was really grateful because we took Elias under our leadership, telling us that we'd be a good influence for her son.

All of us gave both of them our cards and told them to call us whenever they'd need our help. Unfortunately, we hadn't been able to nail Luke down on the murder of Gesha Lutz, not in time, we had to let him go while we were looking for more evidence. I remember that I had been sitting on Maura's couch and drinking a beer after work when my phone started to buzz and Celina's named flashed on its display. I thought that she just wanted to tell us that Elias was doing fine and grinned broadly, every news about the boy were good news. Not that night. I listened to Celina's crying while she told me that Luke showed up at her house unexpectedly and started to accuse her that she'd was the one who blew the whistle on him, starting to beat her once again. And that Elias stepped him, beating Luke back this time. Such a stupid little boy. Luke was taller by almost two heads and built like a Mack truck. This was meant to end bad, and it did. Celina told me that paramedics would take Elias to Mass Gen because Luke beat the shit out of Elias after the boy tried to defend his mother.

It took Maura and me only a heartbeat to be at that hospital. I barely recognized the boy when I saw him, Luke didn't just beat Elias up. He beat him up so Elias' life was hanging by a thread. He was beaten black and blue; his face was swollen and a bloody mess. I was sure that Luke also kicked the boy's head.

Maura had to talk to me soothingly so I wouldn't do the same to Luke Ashton, and hell, it took her some effort.

Maura became friends with Elias as well, tutoring him whenever he didn't get something at school and being happy to have a protégé like him.

I still remember her standing outside of the morgue, staring through one of the windows at Elias' body on one of her tables. I will never forget Celina's cry when the doctor told her that they were doing everything they could but that her seventeen-year-old son would never come out of the coma again because he didn't show any signs of cerebral activity. Elias was braindead and was still alive because of the life-support machine, I still remember the look on Maura's face when I came down to the morgue, catching her staring at his maltreated body through one of the windows. I will never forget her pained expression. And her face when she confirmed that Luke's hands were the deadly weapon by comparing the prints of fists on Elias' body with the pictures we have taken of Luke's fists. Positively.

Frankie had to hold me back the moment we arrested Luke. I was about to do the same to that son of a bitch.

I think with Elias' death a little of us all died, too.

The entire BPD collected money so Celia could afford a decent funeral, all of us attended it without a second thought.

It took place three years ago and every year I drop by at Elias' grave, paying him my respect. All of us do. Either alone or with one another.

Yesterday was the day of this brave boy's death and I nearly forgot about it. After I left Maura's office and sat at my desk, the date caught my eye and I changed my mind while sitting in my car in front of Maura's place, not sure if she remembers the day.

Okay, who am I fooling? Maura still knows every detail of the day we met for the very first time, I remember that day. I blink a couple of times and look at her, noticing that she's lost in her very own train of thoughts. "I should have taken you with me." I state and she looks confused at me. "To Elias' grave."

She looks into her mug and takes a deep breath. "I paid it a visit before I went to the office."

I smile a little but then sober. "I nearly forgot it, the day of his death."

"But you didn't, you remembered him."

"How could I forget him, he was an extraordinary kid." I reply and smile at her again. "He was a little, male you." I take a deep breath and furrow my brows. "You know, when I left your office I wanted to have it off with you at the end of the day. But then I sat at my desk and it hit me hard, that Elias is gone for three years already and then I was sitting in my car right in front of your house and I felt bad. I felt bad because I nearly missed the day. I never miss the day. Not of Frost's, not of Elias'. I wanted to tell you what's going on in my mind but instead I took off and turned off my phone because I planned on getting wasted, to kill the bottle of wine I bought for you and the six pack of beer I bought for myself. And I am not a very good company when I am drunk on such days. But I should have write you that I won't drop by instead of turning off my phone."

Maura's taking a deep breath and looking intensely at me. "Are you going to share what's going on in the head of yours today?"

"I just did." I reply and get a roll of her eyes, keeping my distance. "Are we ever getting past that?"

"Past Elias' death," she asks and frowns a little. "With some time, we do."

I sigh in frustration pointing at her and then at me. "Past this. Past our relationship. Do we ever become real friends again, or even -"

"I hope so," Maura cuts me off and licks her lips. "But we have to see it through."

I furl my brows and drop my arms to my side. "What's not to understand, Maura? You care about me, I care about you. We have a chemistry, Maura. I don't want to be only your best friend you have sex with every now and then. I don't want to be only your stress-reliever, I want you. I want you to the fullest. I'm not just a sex toy you can toss to the side when you don't need it anymore." I stop and swallow hard, not knowing where this is coming from. Well, I do but I didn't plan on sharing those thoughts just yet. I can see that Maura's face turns stoic but also that she's listening. "I have feelings, Maura. And I'm not able to bottle them up anymore. I don't know why are not able to say it, but I love you. I love you, Maura Isles." I really should shut up now, knowing that I ruined everything. I watch her getting up from her chair and rounding the island that separates us. She stands in front of me and running her hands up my front, not touching inappropriate places. She stands on her tiptoes and kiss my lips lightly, almost sweetly, putting her forehead against mine. I hear her inhale sharply and know that she's fighting with her own thoughts and feelings right now. That whatever is coming next isn't going to be easy for her. I wrap my arms around her and hold my breath. Maybe, just maybe, she's saying the words, too. I keep my hopes high. She kisses me again, and again, and again, and I start to believe that I might broke through her very own walls.

Maura keeps her eyes closed but start to caress my cheeks with her thumbs, whispering against my lips, "You should leave now."

My heart drops that moment and I know that my eyes mirror the pain I'm feeling right now. She teared out my heart broke it right in front of my eyes and then she stomped onto the pieces. I frowned deeply, asking, "What?"

Maura takes a deep breath and licks her lips, looking down at mine. "You should leave."

I glance over her head at the wall and anger is bubbling up in me the next moment, I have the intention to let it out unfiltered. "So that's it?" I growl and she takes a step back. Not because she's afraid of me but because she wants to make clear that this is over after I once again said those words, after I once again poured my feelings for her. I set my jaw and clench my fists. "I'm just a toy you are using every time you need it?" Right now, I remember my mother's words. An affair is only so much fun until someone gets hurt. I didn't think that my heart would be broken that fast. I was hoping that it'd take the next four or five years, maybe ten, the rest of my life. Yeah, I might appear like I'm taking advantage of Maura, and I do. I really do. She turns away from me and it's hard for me to keep my temper in check. "I am just some relief for you, aren't I?"

She turns her back to me and takes a deep breath, swallowing her answer.

I take a step forward but don't bolt because I exposed my heart. "Maura?"

"Yes," she's hissing harshly, not turning to me. "Yes, you are. You are just a reliever. No more, no less."

I'm not buying it at all and cross my arms over my chest. "Look at me and say that again. Perhaps then I'm buying it."

Maura turns once more and looks me dead in the eye. "You … are dour."

I furrow my brows and nod. "Yes, I am. But you were about to tell me that I am not more than just a random fuck. Don't even go there, admonishing me." I cut her off right the second she opens her mouth. I clench my jaw and take a moment before I say, "Okay, you win. I won't bother you anymore. You want to make a clean cut, let's make a clean cut." I gather my belongings again and head for the front door, turning to her. I don't know why but this time it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It still hurts but not that much like the first time or the last time. I'm sure that Maura can see in my eyes that I'm somewhat numb deep inside now because I hear her gasp when she looks me in the eye. "It's your call, Maura." Another part of me wants to stay, wants to ask her if she's really sure, wants me to walk back and wrap my arms tightly around her until she'll change her mind. Another part of me wants to convince her that all of this is wrong and stupid. But I'm proud and hurt. This time I won't relent, this time I won't be the one begging her on my knees to think this through. The ball is in her court now, and I think she knows it.

I give her the chance to say something, to tell me that she needs time to think about what she really wants. Maura's silent and I leave her house without a final goodbye, without saying that we'll see tomorrow at work.

I don't know if that's going to happen, and even if, I'll keep it strictly professional. No joking around anymore, no knowing smiles anymore. She wants it, she'll get it. I don't slam the door shut behind me even though I feel like doing so, but I'm no child anymore, and I don't turn my head back to the house to see if she's standing at one of the windows to see if I'm really driving off. I don't even sit in my car and brood about going back into the house and picking the fight up again where I left it. This time I won't make a fool of myself. I take a deep breath, starting the engine and driving out of her driveway. I clench my jaw and swallow down my emotions. I am sick and tired of slamming my fist against the steering wheel and crying. In the past I would have gone to a random bar and pick up a random woman for the day to numb my arching heart, or I'd get shitfaced, but neither of that won't happen today. Now, I'm driving home, take a shower to cool down and sit down, watching TV to keep my mind busy. I think it's going to work this time, I have the feeling it will. I don't know why but somehow, I knew that Maura and I would end up in a fight. I prepared myself for it.

There is a saying of a vocalist, I can't remember her name. One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.

I take a deep breath and nod to myself. It's not like that I'm not hurt. On the contrary, this fight hurt as hell but this time it won't affect my physical state or even my job. Hell, I'm a grown woman, I should be able to handle another rejection. Perhaps this one deflecting off me because I got used to them over the year. Perhaps because I pulled some of my protective walls up again. I stop at a red light and close my eyes. Shit, I really thought that Maura was the one with whom I could my guards down completely, expose myself, reveal my vulnerability.

My eyes snap open again and I tighten my hold on the steering wheel. Okay, to be fair. I know that Maura would never take advantage of my soft side. Sure, sometimes she can be a bitch, but who isn't? Don't me wrong, I would never call her that straight in the face. I mean, who isn't a bitch at least once in a lifetime? I am one every time I have a bad day or when there is no progress in a case, or when my mother is bugging me. And as experience teaches, there are women in the world who'd take advantage of the fact that I'm a good-hearted cop, asking for little favors like to disperse a parking ticket or connive at their drug use. Yes, I had a way with these kinds of women when I was younger, and no, I never condoned their misdeeds. After all I'm a cop. Maura, on the other hand, only asks me for a favor when she's in some serious trouble after we … I don't even know how to name that … Broke up? And who am I to refuse Maura my help even though we are not intimate privately anymore?

I mean, even though we have our differences in our private life, after all she's still my best friend, or that's what I tell myself. And I was never one of those people who leave their friends high and dry. And it's not like Maura's coming to me three times a week and ask me to look into fal-lal of her very own friends. If she'd start that, we'd be friends no more. But I know her, I know that she's way too professional for something like that. She'd never ask me or one of our team to be open to corruption ourselves for her private matters. She even would never overstep her very own authority.

I take a deep breath and look at my phone that is laying on the passenger's seat and which is starting to buzz three times, telling me that I just received a text. I don't need to know who just wrote to me. I know that it's her, Maura. Telling me that she's hoping that I won't do something stupid and to be safe on my way wherever I'm going right now. I won't answer her right now, or even not for the next few hours. I just want to be by myself and forget about the morning before I'm able to reply calmly, without any accusation, without picking up another fight. I take a deep breath and continue my way home as soon as the traffic light turns green, hoping that Maura won't hit me with texts.

I know, I'm a selfish asshole!


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, guys. Sorry for the delay but somehow, I got another writer's block. It's over now, though. To answer some of your comments: Yes, I intent on finishing this story, but sometimes it takes a little while before I can come up with a new update. And by the way, thank you for all your nice reviews.**

 **I hope you like this on, and you are welcome to tell me what you think about this chapter.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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I haven't spoken to Maura for almost a week and I was very good at avoiding her. Happily, there were no cases that would have required her experience as a ME. Don't get me wrong, all of us take a homicide serious and we all want to solve it as fast as possible to give the families some closure. But there are cases we can solve within a day, two days tops. And Maura isn't always the ME who gets called to the same crime scene than I am. I mean, I don't have the right to work all the time with her and these days I am really grateful for that.

I'm even not always working the same case with my brother or Korsak. Yeah, get that!

I know that deep down she's also relieved about that and that it hurts her in the same time. Normally I'd come down to her office as soon as I'd have time to check on her, to ask how her day's going or even having lunch with her. But this week I take my distance, asked Frankie to go down to the lab while I interviewed eye witnesses and suspects. I also volunteered to check out the backgrounds of the victims and the one of the suspects. I did everything so I wouldn't be in the closer area of the precinct.

Truth be told, I wanted to give Maura the space and the time to figure out what she really wants, to think about the thinks she said to me. I know that we both are really stubborn, even proud but at the end of the week I get the feeling that Maura isn't aware that she truly hurt me. It's not like that I'm touchy but at some point, I need my own space to wise up to the fact that she and I probably don't want the same thing.

And to be honest, even I'm not sure what I really want. Yeah, I want to be with Maura, I want us to work things out, I want us to specify what this is that's going on between Maura and me. And in the same time, I'm a coward, I'm afraid that she tells me that she wants nothing more than friendship, that our sexual relationship is over. I know that it sounds strange and like there's nothing more than Maura's body but I'm not sure that I could handle that. When I'm with Maura it's like I can let go. I don't have to hide my real personality, I can be who I am for real. I am not always the dominating, confident person I am at work. When I come home, I let down my guard, especially in the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, Maura and I never practiced kinky sex games in there. We don't, but it's not easy for me to let down my guard, to let someone get close to me, to let someone else take charge in the bedroom. Most of the women I had been with were happy about that, some wanted to do something good for me but I refused and kicked them out at the end. And then there was Maura. She didn't argue with me about who's in control as soon as we hit the mattress naked, she let me explore me her body as many times as I wanted. It doesn't mean that she was laying in the bed like a dead, but she let me do as I pleased, perhaps because she knew that I would never hurt her or do things to her that she doesn't want to. I'm not that kind of person who likes to hurt people during sex, not in the S&M way. Sure, it can get a little rough but not the way that you can't sit on your butt for a week because I spanked you hard.

I had scratches on my back and even love bites on my neck which officially embarrassed me at work, silently I wear them with pride.

Anyway, I normally didn't give up control in bed, but then there was Maura. At some point she took charge for the first time and started to take the initiative and unbuttoned my shirt, pushing me with my back on the mattress. I remember that I tensed up the second she straddled my lap and the soft look in her eyes. She kissed me gently and told me that it's okay to let someone else take care of myself while she kissed my jaw, that it's okay to let the guard down at home, when you are with someone you love. That night I let down my guard and was lost. I mean, Maura had seen me at my best, and at my worse, but she never had seen me completely, exposed. I never allowed someone to see me on the edge of an orgasm and whisper sweet words while I fight it, which really made me lose control that night.

That night, I was doomed. I was falling so hard for Maura, I didn't even know that someone could fall so deep in love. As I already said, after that night I was doomed. I can't come up with other words. I was lost. Okay, different words.

But right now, I shouldn't think about it. Right now, I'm sitting at my desk in the bullpen and close my eyes, running my hand over my forehead, trying to banish those thoughts from my mind and focus on the paperwork I have to do.

"Hey." Frankie says as he enters the bullpen.

I turn my head to him and smile, I arrived only thirty minutes before him.

He sips his coffee and frowns. "I meet Maura in the entrance hall."

I scratch the back of my head and take a breath. "Okay."

"She asked me to tell you that she'd like to see you in her office."

Seriously? She has a phone, she has my cell number and she has my desk number. I keep a straight face, asking, "Why?" We don't work the same case, there is no reason why she'd have to see me.

Frankie's shrugging. "No idea. I'm just the messenger."

I nod and get up to my feet, taking my jacket from the back of my chair. "Thanks."

He rolls his eyes but smiles.

I don't smile back at him, I'm not really in the mood to, and I'm not really in the mood to go down to the lab and to face Maura. I'm not even sure why she asked Frankie to tell me to come down. I take a deep breath and push the button of the elevator impatiently. As soon as I entered the car I try to banish all thoughts out of my mind and tell myself to focus on being professional, I don't need us making a scene in front of the entire lab staff. So, focusing on whatever the Chief Medical Examiner is going to hand me over about whatever case has to do it. In and out in no time, I can do that.

My eyes snap up to the display and I frown a little. That sounded so wrong, in and out in no time. I groan and am happy that I don't have to share the car because other people would wonder what's wrong right now. I really can't explain why Maura is able to turn my thoughts dirty without being near me. Sometimes I really hate it, especially right now.

I take a deep breath and step out of the elevator as soon as it arrives at the lab and make my way in the direction of the morgue and stop dead when I see Maura standing with Kent in the lab, discussing something I'm sure that would drive me crazy because I wouldn't understand a word until I'd cut them off. How does the say go: Birds of a feather flock together? That describes them perfectly.

My heart skips a beat when she smiles at him. It doesn't skip a beat because I feel a twinge of jealousy. It skips a beat because it's the kind of smile that always makes me melt away when she's giving it to me. Actually, it's niggling and I have no idea why it always makes my heart beat harder. Perhaps it's not only the smile itself but the twinkle in her eyes when she smiles at me that way. Perhaps it's because I always presumed that this smile is only reserved for me. Such conceit knows no bounds.

I take another deep breath and push the door to the lab open, drawing the attention of the two doctors to me. I swallow hard the moment the smile on Maura's lips die and when she's looking down to the file in her hand.

Kent is glancing uncertainly at us both because he senses the shift of the atmosphere, unable to say something to lighten the mood.

I clear my throat and look a little longer at … my friend? I don't even know if I have the right to call her that anymore. "Dr. Isles, you asked for me to come down."

She's nodding and takes a moment before she looks at me. It seems like she needed a second to regain her composure. "Yes, I did."

A shiver runs down my spine. Not because I'm excited to see her, because her voice is clinical. She hands Kent the file and starts to make her way out of the lab. "Follow me, Detective."

I frown a little because she walks towards her office but I follow her slowly. I keep my distance because I don't want to brush accidently her arm or other parts of her body. I swallow hard and ask, "Why am I down here?"

She doesn't look at me and opens the door to her office. "I'd like you to bring an autopsy report to Detective Kerr. I've tried to call his desk phone and his cell phone but I can't reach him."

I blink a couple of times and furl my brows. She has to be kidding me. "That's it? You want me to bring this damn report to Kerr? That's why you told Frankie to send me down here? I'm a detective, Maura, no messenger. Why don't you send -" I trail off as soon as I see her confused look. "What?"

Maura's licking her lips and takes the file from her desk. "I didn't ask Frankie to send you down, Jane. I asked him if he could do me that favor but he told me that he would have no time because he was called to a crime scene, so I asked him to tell Detective Kerr that the autopsy report is ready." She shakes her head and frowns a little. "I didn't ask for you to come down."

I stare at her like she has spoken Greek to me before I blink a couple of times. Frankie, such a traitor. Note to me: Beat the shit out of my little brother. I snatch the file from Maura's hand and turn on my heels. "Fine, I'll bring that report to Kerr."

"Jane," Maura says and I stop dead. Maybe she'll tell me what's going on in her mind, that's why I am silent right now. "Thank you."

I clench my jaw and force myself to stay calm. "Whatever." I mumble under my breath and am about to make my way out of her office.

"That's it," she asks a little louder which makes me stop walking again and I tense up, clenching my jaw once more. So much about not making a scene in front of the lab staff. "All I get is a whatever?"

I close my eyes so I can count to ten in my head before I lose my temper. I don't turn to her, I don't look at her because that would mean that I'd give in. "What do you want me to say?" I growl dangerously low and it scares myself. "Thank you for demoting me to your messenger? I'm a Homicide Detective, Doctor. I have better things to do."

"Can't you even look at me?"

I take another deep breath and close the door slowly so the other people won't hear us flinging the things in our teeth.

I slowly turn to her and I know myself that my eyes are hard. "I don't have a reason to look at you right now, Maura." I hiss and she takes a step back like I threw a jab right to her jaw. "There's a reason why I'm avoiding you. I want you to figure out what you really want. What you really want from me."

Now she's avoiding my eyes by looking down at her feet and she's the one who's silent. But then she says, "I want you to look at me. Really look at me, not like I'm just a random stranger. We have a story, Jane."

I have to swallow down all the emotions I feel and the bad words I want to tell her right now. I take a deep breath and wiggle my brows. "And we all know that it didn't end well."

That's a liver shot. I can tell because she stumbles a little and it seems like that statement took her breath away. She's turning pale and I'm afraid that she's fainting any moment. Her reaction makes me taking a step toward her so I could catch Maura if she's passing out for real. Yeah, I'm an asshole but that doesn't mean that I let my ex fall straight to the ground.

Maura's bracing herself on her desk and she's asking quietly, "So it's over?"

Her question makes me stop and I frown, looking straight into her eyes. My anger is replaced by deep pain at the thought that Maura and I won't be the same anymore. That we won't be nothing more than colleagues, that she won't be my sanctuary anymore or that I won't be hers. I remember that this is what either of us feared most, that we can't act civil around each other anymore after our relationship failed. It's not completely true, though. We acted civil but that was because we kept this sexual relationship going. I still remember the first night we ended up in bed together. We hadn't been in a relationship back than but we had been very sober, and after the ecstasy died down, reality hit us hard and Maura suggested that we take some time so we could figure out what had happened to us. I didn't need that time, I knew what I wanted and I told Maura. I told her that I wanted her. And she was the one who told me that she was afraid, afraid that we'd end up right against the wall. Who knew that she'd be right?

She also told me that she was afraid that we'd lose everything. Our love for each other and our friendship, she told me that she was afraid that she could lose me as her best friend and I promised her that this would never happen. I told her that we have to give this a shot and see where it'd take us, but whatever would happen, I would never leave her side.

Liar!

I swallow down the lump in my throat and take the file into my right hand, holding Maura's gaze. I whisper my answer more, "Yes, I guess it's over."

Maura stops to breath and nods slowly, I can tell that she's trying to keep her tears at bay, almost successfully but they are glistening in her eyes or maybe I know that she's on the verge of tears because it wouldn't be the first time I see her cry. And seeing her crying makes my walls crumble, always.

I take another step forward and I want to reach out but clench my fist to keep me from doing so. "Maura -"

She drops her eyes back to her feet and tries to chuckle. "I'll be alright."

I finally step closer and place my hand on her arm, smiling softly. "After all those years you're still such a lousy liar."

She laughs and looks at me, taking a deep breath. "I hate that you know me so well."

I take heart and pull her into an embrace. I won't lie, it hurts me as much as it's hurting her, and it takes all my courage to stop this at all. I hold her close and take a deep breath, inhale her scent for one more time. "It's gonna be alright, Maura. We'll be alright." Am I believing that myself? I don't know but right now I need to comfort myself, too. I pull my head back and smile softly at her, sighing heavily.

Maura stares at me and smiles sadly, tracing my jaw with her fingertips.

I kiss her. Yeah, I kiss her, and I kiss her gently. It has nothing to mean, it's just a kiss. Okay, that's some bullshit, this kiss means goodbye, at least for now. It's the reset button. I can tell that Maura is aware of it too because she's clinging to my shirt like she's afraid that I step away any moment soon.

I break the kiss but doesn't step away from her, I lean my forehead against hers and try to look her in the eyes but she keeps them closed, a single tear is running down her cheek and I wipe it off with my thumb, she's leaning into my touch and whispers, "I love you."

I nod slowly and reply, "I know." I do, I really do but I'm not sure that she's loving me the way I love her, the way I need her to love me, the way I need her to get involved with me. I inhale shakily and hope that she finally opens her eyes but she doesn't. That's why I loosen her grip, kiss her once more and step slowly away from her. "I know, Maura, but this is the best for now."

Maura swallows hard, wraps her arms tightly around herself and nods, too. She says nothing, though.

I clench my jaw and leave the office with the file in my hand again, closing the door behind me to give Maura the privacy she probably needs right now.

I know that she's hurt right now, and probably doesn't know how to deal with the current situation, just like me. I'm not sure if I didn't just quit our affair but also our long-term friendship. I am aware that we have to figure out how to proceed everything.

I meet Kent's eyes and he went ridge that moment. I can tell that he knows that something bad going on because he's buggering about with some paperwork, his brows are furrowed.

I pretend I haven't seen him and push the button of the elevator with a heavy heart, suppressing another sigh.


	5. Chapter 5

I sit on my couch and enjoy the first beer of the evening after I got home from work and out of the shower. It has been a long day and the heat hasn't been very helpful either. Let alone the body of a woman that died four days ago. I'm not really squeamish when it comes to corpses and crime scenes but this one made even me gag. Disemboweled women aren't exactly what I call my favorite cases, not when the body laid for four days in their apartment.

I flop down on my couch and am about to turn on my TV when the door of my apartment flies open. I almost jump out of my skin and swirl around in my seat only to look into the angry face of my mother. Perfect, the day is getting better and better. "Jesus, Ma." I snap at her and jump to my feet. "What the hell are you doing here?"

She throws her purse on my kitchen counter and cross her arms over her chest. "What are you doing, Jane?"

I blink a couple of times and furrow my brows, pointing at my couch. "Well, I was about to watch TV when you barged in." I feel anger bubbling up and nearly yell. "For heaven's sake, I could've shot you."

My mother doesn't flinch but stares at me. "Why would you have done that?"

My eyes grow huge and I point at the floor. "Because you barged in in an apartment of a cop. Cops tend to shoot burglars if they see no other way."

"What have you done to Maura," she suddenly asks and steps closer to me.

I pull my head back and frown surprised. "Excuse me?"

Ma shifts her weight from one foot to the other but keeps her angry face. "Maura's barely eating and sleeping for the last week and I asked her what is wrong because I was worried. And after a while she told me that you broke up with her."

My jaw nearly hits the floor when I hear that and I tilt my head a little, clenching my fist. "To break up with someone you have to be in a relationship with a person. Maura and I aren't a couple for a long time anymore and you know that."

"Jane -"

I'm mad right now and cut her off, "Did Maura also tell you that she threw me out of her house three weeks ago? That she was the one who call our … I don't even know what it was that we had. That she more or less was the one who called it quits? I only complied with her wishes and kept my distance."

My mother drops her arms to her side and shakes her head. "No, she didn't tell me that."

I huff and walk to my coffee table, taking my beer in my hand. I take a sip of it and glare at Ma. "Good thing that you heard both sides before you decided to come here and accuse me of something that isn't only my fault." I grumble sarcastically and clench my jaw. "I mean, yeah, I'm always the one who screws up the good things in my life and Maura is the perfect woman who never does anything wrong."

Ma is silent for a moment and comes towards me. "I never said that, Jane."

I close my eyes and hold up a hand so she won't come any closer. "Yeah, you did, Ma. Unwittingly you did." I huff once more and shrug. "You know what, blame me for that. I can handle that. I can handle it that everyone thinks that I'm the bad person in this story. I'm used to it."

I hear Ma sigh and she walks to the couch, sitting down. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

I smile sadly and shake my head. "Ma -" I trail off and lick my lips. I know that she loves Maura like she's her own daughter and I don't to be the reason that Ma takes her distance from the ME. I know that my mother would always pick my side if I'd make her choosing. I won't do that again. One time is enough.

She holds her hands up and shifts a little in her seat. "I promise you that I'll stay fair-minded."

I have to smile a little and flop back down on my couch next to her. "Three weeks ago, Maura and I were supposed to meet at her place after work because we wanted to -" I trail off and glance at my mother, blushing. I surely won't tell her that we were planning to meet at Maura's house to have sex. But I can tell that she knows because she's rolling her eyes. I clear my throat. "To spend some time together."

"To have sex."

I furl my brows in shock. "Ma!"

Ma rolls her eyes again. "Sorry."

I take a swig from my beer and take a deep breath. "However, I didn't go to her place because it was the day of Elias' death. I decided to go to the cemetery instead to Maura's and that made her mad." I pause and shrug. "Okay, maybe she got mad because she was waiting for me but I didn't show up … And didn't give her a call that I won't come by." I stop as soon as I hear Ma groaning and I glare at her. "I know, it wasn't the smartest move. Anyway, I dropped by the next morning and I explained why I didn't show up the previous evening. That I needed time for myself, time to think about some things. Things that included Maura and me, my feelings for her and what I really want. I know that it's a bad idea to push her, Ma, but this morning I purred out my heart and that I don't only want a sexual relationship with her. That I want to be with her for real, as a couple. And that she should tell me what's keeping her from that. The next thing I know is that she asked me to leave. And I complied. I left her house and whatever it was that we had."

Ma takes a moment before she says calmly, "Maura loves you, Jane."

I nod approvingly but furrow my brows. "I know, Ma. I know that she loves me but I'm not sure that she loves me the same way I love her." I press my lips together and look long at my mother.

Ma places a hand on my thigh and gives me a chance to prepare myself for her upcoming question. "What did you expect to get from this … **arrangement** you and Maura had?"

I frown and shrug, I honestly have no idea what I was expecting from it. "I don't know. In the beginning it was only something physical for either of us, and I told myself that it'd be okay for me if Maura would start to date other people again. Maybe … maybe I was hoping that this arrangement would make change her mind and understand that we both want the same thing. But then it -"

"It started to bother you when she really started to see men again." Ma completes the sentence after I trail off.

I run my hand over my face and groan, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. "Yes, when she started to date again I understood that she was already moving on like we never had a serious relationship. So, I seized the chance every now and then and -" I shake my head but doesn't dare to look at my mother. "sabotaged her dates by sitting in the Dirty Robber, watching her, or wrote her sug -" I stop myself and look at Ma who's quirking an eyebrow. "Texts to distract her." I pause and finally look at Ma. "But having this arrangement made me understand that I don't only wanna be an affair. That I wanna have a real relationship because I'm twenty no more. I it made me understand that I'm ready for a relationship that last for the rest of my life and I was hoping that it would be with Maura. Apparently, I was thinking wrong. And now I have to let go of her and move on myself."

Ma is silent for a little too long and I turn my head to her. Suddenly she says, "I told you that it's only so long fun until one of you get hurt."

"You really had to rub that in my face, hadn't you?" I grumble through clenched teeth and take a swig from my bottle. Then I agree with her, "But yes, you are right. It was only so much fun until one of us got hurt."

"Both of you are hurt, Jane." She contradicts me and I glance at her. My mother takes a deep breath and gets up from the couch, walking towards my fridge and taking a bottle of beer for herself out of it. "And you know that Maura likes it as much as you to be pushed into something she doesn't want. And you know that she had a couple of really bad relationships in the past."

I get up from the couch too and walk to my kitchen counter, bracing myself on it. "I'm not really the best example you can make when it comes to successful relationships either, Ma."

"That's because you have an awful taste when it comes to women." My mother shoots back and takes a sip of her beer as soon as she notices my confused look. "And mostly you ended the relationship. But did you date a man who murdered his half-brother?"

I purse my lips and shake my head. "No."

"Or a man who was a serial killer who wanted you turn into a sculpture?"

I frown and open my mouth to come up with a snippy remark, but then I think better of it and shake my head. "No."

"Or did you end a relationship with a person you really like so they advance in their job?"

I raise my brows and my left index finger. "Actually, I did that." I tug in my chin and snort. "Okay, not because of her professional goals but for her own good."

Ma stops dead and studies me a little too long for my liking. "And in the same time, you're sabotaging her happiness, and yours. Maybe you two weren't meant to be."

I glance surprised at her and blink a couple of times. Did she just say that? I really thought that … "I thought that you were okay with me dating Maura, and that you were happy that we got together."

Ma nods slowly and holds my gaze. "I was. I really was, Janie. I was so happy that both of you got your heads out of your butts and started to see what everyone else have been seeing for a long time. And it broke my heart when you and Maura told me that you had broken up. It broke my heart because I thought that you are meant to be together for the rest of your lives and that I get the opportunity to plan for you a wedding."

Of course, she was hoping for that. What is surprising me is that she never brought that topic up. I have been telling Maura a thousand times that it wouldn't take Ma long anymore to ask when we're about to get married, but she never asked that and I was afraid that my mother actually wouldn't be okay with us being together. I frown deeply. "Why did you never bring that up?"

She simply shrugs. "I learned the hard way to stay out of my children's affairs." She chuckles when I make a face. "I think you and Maura should sit down for real and have a long talk about what both of you want, without pushing each other. Avoiding your ex-girlfriend isn't the right way, Jane. Especially when you and she have such a long history of good and bad things that happened to you. You and Maura have been through so much, Jane, don't throw such a strong friendship away only because your relationship didn't work out." She pauses puts her hand over mine. "You won't find a friend like Maura again, Jane."

I take a deep breath and smile a little. "I know, Ma."

My mother suddenly grins at me and I know whatever she's coming up with won't be good. "I have a plan."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I knock at the door and close my eyes, shaking my head. I don't know how it happened but right now I'm standing container full of pasta in front of Maura's door and hope that the doctor is already fast asleep or won't open the door because of my car in her driveway.

Before I was able argue with my mother she was standing in my kitchen and cooking telling me that a good meal would be the best start for a good talk. I was trying to tell her that this could wait, in vain.

So here I am at half past ten in the night, grumbling to myself, "This is such a bad idea." I turn around and am about to head back to my car when I hear the front door getting unlocked and I turn around once more only to look into confused hazel eyes.

I swallow hard and hold the container a little higher to show Maura that I came by in peace. "Um, my mother came by and she apparently thinks that we both are about to starve to death. I told her that I would drop this at your office tomorrow … Um, but she sent me here tonight. I, um -" I force the container into her hands and want to turn around again. I have no idea why I'm babbling like an idiot right now. "I leave that with you." I am about to leave again but stop dead when I hear Maura saying my name. I look at her and smile a little as soon as I see that she stepped aside to grant me entrance. I nod slowly and approach the door slowly.

Maura's saying nothing but shuts the door as soon as I stepped over the threshold.

I take a deep breath and shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans, looking long at her. I can tell that she either was reading a book or working on something with a glass of wine. I also can tell that Maura's really suffering of lack of sleep. I watch her walking into her kitchen and how she's placing the container on the kitchen island. I follow her slowly but keep my distance, I know that's the best for both of us. "I didn't mean to disturb you." I take a glance at my watch even though I know exactly what time it is. "I won't stay long. Ma would have killed me if I would bring that to you. She doesn't want to make a detour because -" I trail off because I realize that my excuse makes absolutely no sense. "As you know, she's living in your guest house."

Maura takes a moment before she scoffs and gets a beer for me out of her fridge. It's an old habit of her. Our former nightly routine. "Angela sent you here after she read you the riot act?"

I'm grinning and roll the bottle between my hands. "She actually didn't read me the riot act. Ma was listening to what I had to say."

Maura's chewing on the inside of her cheek before she licks her lips. "Jane, I didn't want to make it look like you are the bad person in this. I just -"

I give her a one-sided smile and shrug. "You just got the things that kept your mind busy off your chest. And it happens that I did the same, Maura. And it's okay, I'm not mad at you. Otherwise I wouldn't be here right now."

She smiles at me but then frowns. "You look tired."

"You're one to talk," I shoot back and she stares at me, then we share a laughter. But then I turn serious again and take a deep breath. "I didn't mean to avoid you."

Maura makes her way towards the living room and sits down on her couch, tugging her feet underneath her. "Yes, you did."

I take my bottle with me and follow her, taking a seat on one of the armchairs to keep my distance. "Yes, I did." I admit and sigh loudly. "I really didn't plan to avoid you and wanted to come down to the lab to ask how your day is going but every time the elevator opened downstairs and I heard the bustling of you guys my feet refused to work, they didn't work the way I wanted them to. And before I knew it, I was back on my way up."

She listens carefully and furrows her brows. "But your phone is working properly, isn't it?"

I open my mouth to answer her question but it seems like my words are stuck. Of course, it's working properly but I didn't call her for the same reason. I wasn't sure if I could handle hearing her voice. "Um -"

Maura watches me closely before she starts to smile broadly. "Don't worry, Jane. I had to struggle with the same problem. That's why I didn't call you either."

I nod slowly and place my elbows on my knees, leaning forward with a frown. "I really try to keep my feelings for you in check, Maura, but I -" I stop myself before I say something wrong and shake my head. "I get to understand that we probably don't want the same things and I won't be the one who's pushing you into something you don't want to have yourself. That's why I kept my distance to you. That's one of the reasons why I avoided you."

Maura's pursing her lips but then she takes a swig from her wine. "What's the other reason?"

Okay, I think it will be better if I put all my cards on the table right now. I heave a sigh and look directly into her eyes. "I can't stand to see you dating someone else but me right now."

She's silent for a second and places the wine glass back on the coffee table, licking her lips. "I'm not seeing anyone and I'm not planning to do so in the nearest future."

"What about this Cory guy. He seemed to like you."

"He's passé." She replies and shrugs with a small smile. "And it turned out that he was afraid of you. He told me that you looked at him like you were about to rip his throat open with bare teeth."

I choke on my beer and furrow my brows. "I did not look at him like that." I state and smirk when she's glancing skeptically at me. "Maybe I did." I turn serious again and nod more to myself. "I promise you that I'll change my look for your future suitors."

She's shifting in her seat like she wants to skid closer but changes her mind. "I don't want you to change anything about yourself just because we aren't in some kind of relationship anymore, Jane. I don't want you to change at all. Your personality is the reason why we became friends, I couldn't forgive myself."

I glance long at her and see that she really means it. I nod. "I can do that."

"What?"

"Being myself."

"I'm sure you can." She laughs wholehearted.

I really enjoy spending the evening with Maura like we did months before, before everything turned into a mess. I enjoy her company as much as she apparently enjoys mine, that's why neither of us noticed that it is almost two in the morning until I take another glance at my watch.

We spent the night with talking about everything and nothing, sharing laughter and some more drinks, but we also kept our physical distance and were tiptoeing around some serious topics. At least for tonight. My smile dies when I realize that it's more than time to get into my car and drive back to my apartment, or at least to call a cab that takes me there. I swallow hard. "I really hate to say that but I should call a cab even though I don't wanna leave."

Maura smiles at me and empties her glass. "Because you're enjoying my company?"

I furrow my brows and look up at the ceiling. "And your AC." Before I can react, a pillow hits my head and I hear a wholehearted laughter. I look with big eyes at the doctor but grin. "Hey." I say and throw the pillow back at her. It seems like the alcohol affects my capacity of reaction, let's not affect it my self-control.

Maura seems to read my mind and sobers a little. "You can stay, you know that my guest room is already for someone who's staying overnight."

I sober too and take a deep breath. "I'm not sure that would be such a good idea, Maura."

She looks confused at me. "Why? We'd stay under the same roof, not in the same bed."

She has a point. I turn down the corners of my mouth and nod slowly. "True."

She stretches her arms over her head and stifles a yawn before she gets up to her feet. "Anyway, I'm going to bed now. You know where everything is?"

I nod once more and furrow my brows. "Yeah, unless you rearranged your house the last couple of weeks I haven't been here."

Maura's grinning factitiously at me. "I want to throw something harder to your head right now."

I grin the same way back at her. "I know." I reply with a high-pitched voice.

Maura rolls her eyes but smiles, this time a real smile. "Good night, Jane."

I relax in my seat and take a deep breath, mumbling. "Night, Maura."


	6. Chapter 6

**I am so sorry for the delay but sometimes I get a really bad writer's block. I hope that you guys are forgiving me if it takes a little longer until the next update. I hope that it won't take that long until the next update.**

 **Anyway, I hope you will like this update.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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I come down the stairs the next morning in the same clothes I was wearing the previous night and stop dead in my tracks when I meet the eyes of my mother and she does the same, but also opens her mouth to say something.

I hold my hand up and continue my way. "It's not what it looks like, Ma. It got late and I spent the night in the guest room."

"You sure," my mother's asking skeptically.

I'm about to put my hair in a pony tail but stop again, frowning. "Yes, I am sure, Mother."

"This old heart of mine can't stand more tragedy," she shoots back.

I smile and pour myself a mug of coffee. "You're anything but old, Ma." I compliment her with a sweet smile.

She narrows her eyes. "Thanks, sweetheart. So, you and Maura had a nice night."

I take a swig of my coffee and furrow my brows. "Yeah, it was quite nice."

"But you didn't touch the food."

"We had a lot to talk about, Ma."

"I hope some productive talking."

I lean with my hip against the kitchen island and wiggle my brows. "We are trying to get back to our old selves again, but it takes some time."

Ma steps into my personal space and I tug my chin in before she's cupping my cheek. "As long as you're trying, Janie."

God, I wish she would stop call me Janie. How old am I? Twelve? Okay, I probably act like that sometimes. I sigh and smile once more at her. "We really try, Ma."

She takes her distance again and asks casually, "What do you wanna have for breakfast?"

I smirk devilishly at her. "Eggs and bacon."

Ma's rolling her eyes with a smile. "Maura's not going to like that."

I'm grinning from one ear to the other because I know that my mother is right, Maura won't agree with my choice of breakfast. "I know. Remember, we're getting back to ourselves."

Ma scoffs and shakes her head in amusement.

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Almost a week later I am sitting in the Dirty Robber and roll the bottle of beer between my hands, considering the last few days. It's not like that we had been catching a big case, on the contrary, it was rather a slow week which gave me time to think about Maura's and my … new situation. I can sense that it's straining her as much as it does strain me. Don't get me wrong, we are trying to act normal around each other, we try to act like two adults even though it's hard sometimes. I mean, every time I come to see her in the autopsy room or in her office, I try to avoid physical contact. It's hard and it's painful because I never had to keep as much distance to her as I have these days. Maura hasn't asked for it, though. It is me who decided to do so because I know if I start to touch her arm or her back I barely can hold back and that's something I don't want to happen, not until she and I figured out what this thing between is shall lead to. I know what I want and I have to wait and see if Maura wants the same thing or if we have to reset our friendship.

The thought is painful and I down the rest of my beer before I order the next one. I turn my head as soon as I feel the presence of someone and try to smile at Frankie. "Hey."

He orders a beer for himself as he sits down next to me and heaves a sigh. "Hey." It takes a little while before he turns in his seat and finally ask me, "Is everything okay?"

His question takes me aback and I furl my brows. "Yeah, everything is still okay. Why do you keep asking me that?"

He silently thanks the barmaid and takes a swig from his bottle. "You just seem a little … off these days, that's all."

"Off?" I repeat and lean back in my chair. "Is that your choice of words or Ma's?"

He knows that I just caught him flatfooted and puts his bottle down. "She's worried about you, Jane. We all are."

I scoff and shake my head. "No need to be worried, Frankie. Everything is fine, I just … I hate it when we get nothing to do."

"You'd prefer that some poor soul gets murdered so you get work to do?"

"Of course not." I reply and stare down at my own beer. He makes it sound like that I am hoping for someone getting killed, which I don't.

"You know that you don't need a particular reason to go down to the morgue and see Maura, right?" He states and raises his brows when I don't answer him. "Or are you trying to avoid her?"

I take a deep breath and am stuck for an answer because Frankie hit home. I already mentioned that I couldn't hold back if I would go down to Maura and spend time with her. I probably would convince her to lock the door and shut the blinders so we could make out which would not be very helpful at the moment. I take a moment before I say, "You know, I envy you in some ways."

Frankie blinks several times like he's trying to figure out if I really have said that. "How so?"

I run tiredly my hand over my face and crack my neck. "Because you have Nina. You guys seem to be happy."

My brother snorts and I arch an eyebrow. "You are aware that I almost screwed up, aren't you? Or that's what I thought."

Nope, I did not know that. "Really? What have you done?"

He takes a deep breath and shrugs. "I've made a move on her shortly after the shooting at Korsak's wedding and she freaked out."

"Yeah, you always had a lousy timing." I reply and Frankie glares at me because he understands that I'm driving at him kissing Maura. Oh, I still remember that time when he thought that he was in love with Maura and that something broke within me when I realized that she maybe really was interested in her, or that's what I thought that moment. Yeah, apparently every single Rizzoli is falling for her hard. Well, my mother loves her, too, in a different way, though. I wince as soon as I feel a punch at my shoulder and rub the spot laughingly. "Apparently you have thought wrong, Frankie." I laugh and he joins me. "Anyway, you are happy in the end."

"You will get happy too, Jane." He says confidently.

"I'm not so sure about that," I reply matter-of-factly and furl my eyebrows as soon as I feel my phone buzzing at my hip. I take the device from its holder and clench my jaw as soon as I see that Maura has sent me a text and unlock the screen, reading it.

Frankie is sipping his beer and frowns. "Don't tell me that your wish came true."

I type a reply and shake my head. "No, it's Maura asking to drop by." I write to her that I don't think that it's a good idea if I come by at this time of night and that I already have a little too much. I place my phone on the bar counter with a sigh. I have no idea what she is thinking but I am sure that she will be offended because I turned her down but it's for the best.

"Maybe she just wanna talk," he simply says with a shrug because I give him a scowl.

I growl low as soon as my phone is buzzing once more and I know that Maura's trying to convince me, perhaps by telling me that she also had more than two glasses of wine and that we should use one last time before we reset our friendship. I take a deep breath before I read her message. It doesn't take a minute until I am up to my feet, buying my drinks and grabbing my jacket from the back of my chair.

"Jane, what is it," Frankie asks my surprised.

I stop dead and look long at him. "There's trouble at Maura's."

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I didn't have to ask Frankie to come with me, on the contrary, he reasoned that he didn't have had as much to drink as I had and that he will be the one who'd drive me to her house. That's why I am sitting on his passenger's seat and stare silently out of the window. I do hope for Maura that there is for real an emergency, and with that I don't mean a pickle jar she can't open. I am really grateful that Frankie is keeping his mouth shut right now even though the message gives him rise to crack some jokes.

He turns into her road and I can see that several houses are illuminated, which is unusual at this time of night. Sure, not everyone gets between the blankets at ten o'clock sharp. Frankie brings his car to a halt in her driveway and frowns deeply because we hear a man yelling and I have noticed a dark Mercedes at the curb, its door wide open.

I jump out of my brother's car without a second thought and recognize the man's voice immediately. "What the hell." I say loudly and the man, who's banging his fist against Maura's front door swirls around, swaying a little. "What in the world are you doing here, Cory?"

Cory points at me and stumbles towards me, perhaps he thinks that his gesture is going to browbeat me. "You," he slurs and I arch an eyebrow. "Of course, it's you! Why are you here?"

I try to keep my temper in check and look to Maura's house. "I am here because you are scaring the hell out of my best friend." I answer in a calm voice and hope that my mother doesn't find the courage to walk to the main house to check on Maura. I'm not sure what he'd do if Cory finds out that Maura took my mother in.

Cory walks to me and suddenly he's giving me a push. "You mean your best friend you're fucking."

I see Frankie stepping closer from the corner of my eye and hold my hand up to stop him. "I got this, Frankie." I say without looking at my brother and breath in deeply to remain calm. If I'd have one more beer I probably would have Cory in a headlock by now. I set my jaw but try to talk Cory down even though the entire neighborhood knows that Maura and I are more than just friends. Most of them are fine with it, some of them even support it and wondered why I started to show up at her house sporadically.

When I spent some quality time at Maura's, I was always willed to patch the bicycle tire of the neighbor's kid, or to chase them across their yard. I always helped the older residents with their purchases. Of course, I also spent some time on Maura's couch and watched TV to relax. Don't get me wrong, I won't claim that I am a saint because I am not but that doesn't mean that I can't get along with my best friend's neighborhood.

I stumble backwards after Cory gave me another push and I clench my jaw because I feel anger bubbling up to the surface. I take a deep breath and count to ten because I don't want to hit his ass up right now. I don't want to because I sense that this man is wasted.

"You are the reason that Maura's not talking to me." He slurs and almost tips over.

I step to the side because I am not willed to catch his sorry ass just because he thought that it would be a great idea to show up at Maura's door drunken. All of a sudden, he swings his fist in the direction of my jaw and misses it, stumbling forward.

I take this as my chance and give him arm a twist and he howls in pain. "Do not do that again." I growl low and Frankie is at my side in no time. "And don't you dare showing up here in such state. The only reason you are contacting Maura ever again is to apologize for your behavior tonight and then you're going to leave her alone once and for all. Understood?"

He whimpers in pain and nods before I give him a push this time, looking at my brother. "Get this blithering idiot a cab, will you?"

Frankie grabs Cory's arm and nods at me. "You got it."

I watch them walking to the Mercedes and close my eyes briefly to calm my nerves before I turn to the door and knock at it. I am worried that Cory didn't only put a fuss in front of Maura's house but also inside because she takes too much for my liking. After a couple of seconds, I consider kicking the door in but then I hear a familiar clicking and relief is washing over me when I realize that she locked the door. Then I look into scared hazel eyes.

Maura is frowning and says, "I didn't want to bother you but -"

Bother me? Hell, I'm beyond glad that she's fine and that she was quick-thinking and text me. I frown deeply and place my left hand on her check to make sure that she's really fine, cutting her off. "You okay?"

She closes her eyes and leans into my touch, nodding. "Yes." She whispers and keeps her eyes closed.

I start to cares her cheek with my thumb and realize that my heart is beating violently against my ribcage and I am sure that I would have shot Cory when he'd have touched her inappropriately. I release a heavy sigh but doesn't step back. Quite the contrary, I pull her into a tight hug. "You sure?"

She's nodding against my collarbone and answers, "I simply got scared."

"Thank God," I whisper set my jaw but chuckle as soon as she looks up at me. "That nothing else happened to you I mean."

She smiles at me but doesn't pull away. "Thank you for coming."

I nod slowly and close my eyes. "Always."


	7. Chapter 7

I'm sitting on the armchair that is standing next to Maura's bed and watch her peacefully sleeping. I know that it sounds kinda creepy and I would agree if I'd be someone else I would find it ever so. But since Cory had showed up here in a drunken state I refused to leave Maura alone for the rest of the night and I refuse to get some sleep just in case that this blockhead dares to show up one more time. Maura tried to convince me that she's fine and that it'd be okay for me to head to my apartment and that we would talk about what happened tomorrow. In the same time, I have seen the fear in her eyes and told her that I won't leave her home for the night, and the next night if necessary. She tried to argue about that with me, vainly.

I take a deep breath and get up from the armchair, tiptoeing to her bed and carefully sitting down on the edge without waking her up. I scrutinize her and tuck carefully a strand of hair behind her ear, knowing very well that I shouldn't do that. "I told you that nothing will change and that I will be at your side whenever you need me, Maura, no matter what decision you'll make." I whisper and my heart is tightening painfully at the thought that she could want nothing more than friendship but I know that I have to accept it if it's that case. I continue with a heavy sigh, "sure, I will need some time if you are saying that you feel nothing more than friendship for me and it will hurt like hell, but I'll get over it and there is nothing in this world that could keep me away from you, Maura. No matter what we are then, you won't get rid of me and I promise you that I will be happy for you and the person you decide to spend your life with." I swallow hard and bite my tongue so I won't whisper into the room that deep within I am the said person. I clench my jaw and resist the urge to kiss her lips lightly before I do leave the house for the night. I let my fingertips trail down her arm and smile a little when I hear Maura sigh. It's not a sigh of annoyance because I disturb her sleep, it's a sigh of contentment. I have heard it every time we spent the night together after our sexual encounter. Yeah, sometimes she or I left shortly after we have had sex, mostly because we didn't want to raise suspicion or it was already late and had to work the next morning.

I furl my brows and feel a lump in my throat while I mesmerize her sleeping face. "God, I love you, Maura." I whisper into the dark room and swallow hard. "I wish you would know how much I love you and that you would let me love you unconditionally. You know that I'd move heaven and earth only for you. I wish that I could tell you that you are the love of my life without you picking up a fight. I hope that I would never hurt you no matter how hard you'd try to push me away. I already told you that you won't get rid of me that easily.

My eyebrows shoot up the second Maura starts to turn and I hold my breath, hoping that my whispering haven't woken her up. In vain because hazel eyes are finding mine and my heart skips a beat as soon as her fingertips are running over my jawline and stop at my lower lip. I want to ask her how much she caught but I know that she has heard every single word because she's smiling a little before she takes my hand in her own, tugging lightly at it.

A deep frown is gracing my forehead and she rolls her eyes tugging harder. "Jane."

The frown deepens and I stay where I am right now. "Can't you slap my face from your current position?"

She rolls her eyes once more and tugs really hard this time so I have to brace myself over her. Her smile widens and she starts to caress my cheek and neck which leaves me wondering if Maura's trying to seduce me. If that's the case, I'll turn her down because I am not here for that right now.

"I don't need time to think anymore, I don't need space anymore." She says with a steady voice.

I drop my eyes because it seems like my apprehension is coming true right now, that she only wants physical attention. "Maura, we shouldn't -"

"I love you, too." She cuts me off and I think that I must have heard wrongly. Maura takes a deep breath. "Ever since you drew back several men and women had asked me out, but the only person I could think of was you. That you would ask me to the Dirty Robber and have a good time with you, Frankie, Korsak, Angela and Nina before we head home and spent the rest of night alone instead of asking to have a candle light dinner in a French restaurant. I realized that I rather would have a burger and a beer with you instead of -" She trails off and frowns with a smile. "You would call it fancy food." She pauses and takes a deep breath but holds my gaze. "In the time I had dinner with someone else I was wondering what you would say about escargots, frog legs and the French cuisine at large. I imagined you chewing skeptically and cracking some jokes while we would have a good time. And then reality got me back and I was sitting there with someone who … wasn't you."

I take her words in and blink several times, furrowing my brows. "You had dinner with other people beside Cory, the moron?"

She huffs and swats my chest, with a smile.

I smirk but take a deep breath. "Of course, you have been seeing others beside him." I state and her smile drops. "You have been thinking about me all the time?"

Maura's rolling her eyes again which is very unlikely and which makes me smirk. "Don't be hubristically." She replies and I quirk an eyebrow. "But yes, I was thinking about you all the time even though I knew that I shouldn't. That's when I realized that I want no one but you. That I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I would understand if you now would need some time to progress it all and I will give you -"

I don't need time to progress it, hell, I was the one who was spilling her guts to someone who apparently was asleep. That's why I silence her by pressing my lips to hers. It seems like she is shocked for a second before she starts to kiss me back with a sigh of relief.

I know that I had a resolution and really had the plan to do keep my hands off of her, but it's easier said than done right now. Especially because this kiss is different this time, it's not greedy and saying 'Come on, let's have sex now". This kiss is promising and sweet even though she pulls me on top of her and starts tugging my shirt out of my pants.

She breaks the kiss but keeps her eyes closed, mumbling, "God, I love you, Jane."

I look closely at Maura and hold my breath. When we had been together, in bed, we avoided to say words like that and it had been hard for me to stuff my words back in my throat when Maura had her all over me, the words 'I love you, I want no one but you'. It seemed to be easier for her though, like she had built up a wall that kept her from exposing her true feelings. But this time it seems like this wall had crumbled down completely and that she means what she is saying.

I take a moment before I grab the hem of my shirt over my head.

Maura's eyes snap open and looks with guilt at me. "Jane, I don't want us to have -"

I know what she's about to say and kiss her gently before I smile. "I know, Maura." I know that she is not in the mood for sex, neither am I, we are both exhausted. But I can see that she needs contact and so do I so we both can be sure that this is really happening. I force my eyes open as soon as her fingers start to ghost over my skin. The never had done that before. They stop at the scar that has been left by the exit wound. The reminder of the shootout at the precinct and the only way to keep my brother and her safe.

"Never do that again," she hushes and I can see that she's trying to keep her tears at bay.

I kiss the corner of her mouth gently. "I won't." I hold her gaze while her fingers brushing my ribs that once had been bruised by reckless actions and the places where had been scratches. I realize that she's recalling every single little injury she had to patch up at her office or the couch in her living room. Hell, I have to be in the brink of death before I go to the hospital. Why should I go there? I got a private doctor the moment Maura came into my life. "I will never ever leave you alone. You got me, Maura."

"You just say it like that."

"You got me." I repeat and try a single tear on her cheek with my thumb before I kiss her once more. "And I tend to stay true to my word, Maura. You won't get rid of me that easily. Look at our story and yet I am still here with you."

Finally, she smiles the smile that caused me to fall in love with her. "Indeed, you are."

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 **Not quite done yet!**

 **Hey, guys. This is a little update because I am not sure when I get the next chance to upload the next chapter and how many chapters are going to follow, and I didn't want to leave you high and dry.**

 **Oh, and thank you all for your kind reviews!**

 **I hope you'll like this update, too.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Oh, my … Finally I have another update for this story, too. It took me long enough and I hope that you guys will like it. Don't worry, this won't be the final chapter, there are more to come.**

 **And as always, you are welcome to tell me what you think.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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I'm still half asleep when I feel a nibbling and kissing at my neck and my heart's jumping full of anticipation, but my brain doesn't even need a millisecond to know what's happening and my eyes shoot open. I blink a few times to get them used to the dawn and then I glance into seductive hazel eyes. I can say with 100% certainty that Maura knows exactly what she's doing and that she doesn't only want to with me a good morning with this right now. I can clearly see that she has ambiguous thoughts. I can't hide a grin and stretch my arms over my head, saying with a sigh, "Morning."

Maura grins mischievously and starts to kiss my neck all over again. "Good morning," she whispers against my skin and I hum even though I tell myself that this is not a good idea at all. Well, my brain is telling me that, my body's saying something else.

I take a deep breath and tug my chin in. "No," I breathe and I can feel my body beginning to protest because of that and can literally see in my inner eye how my brain gives me a thumbs up. Stupid brain!

She stops abruptly and looks at me amused. Maura isn't an idiot, she knows the signs all too well. And if I were a man then I would've put myself into trouble because I would quite obviously contradict myself. "Excuse me?"

I take another deep breath and hold her piercing gaze before I roll her on her back and pin her hands with a firm grip over her head and growl low, "I said no."

That's when it happens, the mood is shifting. Instead of seeing amusement in Maura's eyes I see sheer fear and I loosen my grip immediately. I'm surprised that her body stiffened all of a sudden and I have to swallow hard. I know Maura better than anyone, but I also know that she hasn't told me everything about herself although she knows very well that she can trust me. For example, she never told me that she was married once. I was amused by this fact then just like anyone else and I didn't take it personally because Maura though she was a divorced woman back then. Well, she was wrong. But she usually confides the really important to me. But apparently, I was wrong about that. It seems like she doesn't trust me as much as I was hoping. Oh, god, I hate that frightened look on her face and I wish I could wipe it off forever.

I know I should tell her that that damn growling was just meant to be playful, that I could never hurt her physically or emotionally. That I'd rather die before I hurt her or before I would ever let anyone hurt her again.

Instead, I place my ear right over her heart and listen to its beating. I hear it slowing down and close my eyes as I feel her hands on my back. I inhale her scent and know exactly that at this moment any words are superfluous.

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After waking up the second time this morning, I was alone in the bedroom and panic gripped me instantly. The thought that maybe once again I went too far came to my mind immediately and I would have liked to slap myself this moment. It wouldn't be the first time Maura would have left the house hastily after something too emotional had happened and that would of course be a step backwards for our … relationship. And to be honest, I don't know if I'd go through the same thing again and again. Of course, this failure would be my fault and I could never forgive myself but Maura know exactly that this time it is all or nothing.

I prepare myself to find the kitchen empty and a short note on the kitchen island that says that she urgently needed to go to the office and that I don't have to wait for her. I grit my teeth and curse myself. You can believe that I'm all the more surprised when I round the corner and find the good doctor standing at the counter. She looks at me and smiles timidly.

I say nothing and walk carefully around her not to frighten her again and take a coffee cup out of the cupboard to give me my first morning dose of caffeine. I know I should stay away from her right now, but my damn brain commands my body to stand right behind Maura and gently touch her arms. I hold my breath as I do so and am more than relieved as she leans into me and that she doesn't shy away.

I run my hands up and down on her arms and have the feeling that this is exactly what she needs right now. That someone stands by her no matter what she says or does, and not someone who buzzes off at the first opportunity just because they don't like her quirks.

I know that she hadn't had an easy childhood and that her adoptive mother was only really interested in her as a human being after I had given it to Constance straight. And then Maura's life was turned upside down again when she had found her biological mother and was more or less forced to work with Hope. Not to mention the relationship with her father, by that I mean both fathers, Paddy and Arthur.

Any other person would have broken under such circumstances and might have went downhill. Might gave got addicted to drugs and alcohol. Would sell themselves or commit crimes for the next shot. But Maura has come out of all these things stronger. Sometimes she can seem very distant and chilly but I have learned that this is self-protection.

Everybody has one. When I get loud and obnoxious it's nothing more than my self-protection to disguise the fact that sometimes I'm not as self-confident as I pretend to be. I'm well aware of what I'm capable of, my solve rate speaks volumes. Hardly anyone can fool me in my job. But when it comes to my love life, I am sometimes just as bad as a teenager who has a real crush for the first time.

I take a deep breath and kiss Maura tenderly on the neck. I know that this touch is more than welcome because she tilts her head to the side and smiles. "Maura -"

"I know," she interrupts me and I frown a little.

How does she know what I was gonna say? Maybe I wanted to say that it's better if we just stay friends. Maybe I wanted to say that I urgently need to use the bathroom or that I was called to work. Maybe I wanted to tell her that I'm going to take her on this counter here and now and that I don't give a shit if my mother barges in that moment. But to be honest, I only have one thought all morning. I wonder why she was so scared when I suddenly cut up rough a little. I have to say that she's not shy when it comes to sex. I can't list how many times I had to hid a hickey or two before I went to work or how often I had scratches on my back. And how many times I had to tell my colleagues to shut up because I was bleary-eyed. "I didn't mean to scare you earlier."

She nods against my shoulder but doesn't look at me. "I know."

Since the incident I have imagined hundreds of scenarios and I don't even want to think of the worst. It's not that I don't know that there are men who abuse their partners in every possible way, it would be naïve to say that there are no such incidents and I've been a part of the law enforcement for too long to deny abuse. But I can't and above all I don't want to imagine that Maura once got involved with such a bastard.

"Is there something you wanna tell me?"

Maura turns around in my arms to look me directly in the eye and shakes her head with a faint smile. "Not at the moment, no."

I can see she's not telling me the truth and my frown is deepening. There is a reason why I became a detective. I see immediately if someone tries to hide something from me and in such moments, I am not necessarily known to let go. I tend to immerse myself then until I've dragged the truth to the surface or a confession. "Maura -"

She licks her lips and closes her eyes for a brief moment. "I don't want to talk about it now, Jane."

Other people would settle for such an answer and let it go, but I am not like other people. Like I said, there's a reason why I became a detective. And on top of that I am a hot-blooded Italian who isn't satisfied with half-hearted statements. "Will there ever be a time when you'll tell me what's actually going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

I'm quiet for a moment and wish I could keep my mouth shut every now and then because I know that this conversation will end in a fight at best. I sigh heavily and move away from Maura to gain some time to choose my words wisely. "I mean, I'm not some random stranger you've only known for a short time and you know that you know that you can trust me, Maura. You know I'll always be there for you no matter how delicate the things you tell me are. You know I'd never judge you for something you've done in your past. You know very well that it's also important to me to know things that have come back to you in order to understand you better."

Maura looks at me and blinks a few times as if I have just spoken a foreign language that she doesn't speak and tries to decipher the meaning of my words. "So you're trying to trying to tell me in a roundabout way that you aren't understanding me?"

Damn it. Apparently I am not as good in choosing words wisely as I always thought, but somehow I have the feeling that right now this is just another excuse for Maura to avoid an unpleasant situation, to withdraw herself emotionally, to avoid something from her past that has creeped up to the surface. I furrow my brows and keep my jaw from hitting the floor. "You know exactly what I mean, Maura."

"Do I?"

I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep so my upcoming frustration doesn't get the best of me. Okay, let's be real. "Why are you trying to push me away again, Maura?"

She's placing her hands on the counter to brace herself and her eyes are closed. Because there are still things in my life I'm not willed to share with you?"

I ask teeth-gnashingly. "Why? Have you been -" I can't bring myself to ask the question.

Her eyes snap open and she furrow her brows. "Raped?" She shakes her head and I exhale quietly. I didn't know that I was holding my breath. "No, but that doesn't mean that this experience wasn't as bad."

"Tell me what happened, please."

"No."

"Why?"

She scoffs and I have to resist the urge to take a step backwards when I catch her glazing eyes. "Because then, like every time I think about it, I think that I was a fool, that's why."

"You can tell me, I won't judge you." I press even though I know better than do so. I am not even sure why I'm doing this. "Maura, it's me. You can trust me."

Something's shifting again and her face gets hard. "You can't just drop it, can you?"

I frown deeply and try to keep my voice calm. "I just -"

She stops me by raising her hand and I furls my brows. "Just leave, please."

Here we go again. I knew that she needs an excuse to get of me. I clench my fists and also my jaw, growling. "You don't mean that right now. Last night I made a fool of myself and poured my heart out while you were asleep, or when I thought you were asleep. I told you that I love you and that there's nothing in the world that could change that. And now you're kicking me out just because I want to know a little more about your past because I feel it's holding you back?"

She's holding my gaze and swallows hard. "I just … I need some time for myself."

I raise my hands to show her that I surrender and smile humorlessly. "Okay, I'm done. I'm sick and tired of dragging it all out of you. "I say calmly and I see Maura's lower lip starting to tremble. "I'm leaving, you'll get all the time in the world to think and to throw yourself head over heels into new affairs. I give up as soon as I walk out of that door and I won't hear you whining when your relationships fail."

"Jane -"

I grab my keys from the bowl and open the front door. "We're done, Maura. We are so done." I state and leave the house, and this time I mean it. Last night was too good to be true and deep down in my heart I knew that Maura would find another escape again. But this time I am really sick and tired of it, even if it tears my heart apart. I know that I will get over this sometime, but I don't know when and with whom. And I don't know if I am willing to sacrifice myself for that person as I was for Maura but at some point even I have to draw the line.


	9. Chapter 9

Since the last incident with Maura four months have already passed and we both try to avoid each other as much as possible, something that is complicated by our work because we are constantly called to the same crime scenes where we try to behave like two adult women during this time. Out of respect for the victims, their families and our colleagues.

Most of the time our talks are limited to professional matters such as autopsy reports, test results and … Yeah, that was actually it. We both try to avoid any private conversations.

At the beginning this was anything but easy. And sometimes we fell back in old habits. Sometimes I'd go down to the lab at noon to ask Maura if we had lunch together, or she'd come to the bullpen to as if we'd have a drink after work. And we both were tempted to agree until we remembered what had happened and the we distanced ourselves from each other again and cancelled any date.

It's not that we limit ourselves who go to which restaurant or with whom we go to which pub or when or whether we build up a completely new circle of friends, that would be would be exceedingly childish and none of us has a special claim to places or even people. This is a free country with free people who can make their own decisions. It would be extremely unfair to say that I am the only one who have the right to spend time with our friends or that I am the only one who can visit the Dirty Robber and Maura can't. They are also her friends and she also likes to go to Korsak's pub and I didn't even think to tell her that she's not a part of this group anymore because that isn't true. She is still a very important part of it.

Of course, we try to visit the Dirty Robber at different times to avoid any inconvenience. Of course, that doesn't always work out, but most of the time we do a good job. Strangely enough, Frankie, Nina and Korsak thought that they had to choose sides after I explained that Maura and I are currently nothing more than collogues and have begun to avoid her like the plague. To see that broke my heart because whenever Maura entered a room in which I was already was or unfortunately entered the pub even though I was there already the three fell silent and an unpleasant situation arose. I watched that behavior for a week before I told them that it was anything but appropriate since Maura is also their friend and that it shouldn't depend on me if they want to keep this friendship with her or not. That she doesn't deserve such treatment because she is always there to them as soon as they need her help or advice. From that day on the situation had returned to normal and Maura wasn't too proud to thank me for that. It was the first and last time we talked after work.

I take a deep breath and smile at my mother as she places a beer in front of me, shrugging as she skeptically glances at my companion. Today I ran into an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in ages. After we graduated we parted ways. Bella went to Indianapolis and I stayed in Boston.

My mother and Bella know each other from that time and Ma had always told me bluntly that she couldn't stand her for whatever reason. Perhaps because at some time Bella tried to convince me to go to Indiana with her.

Don't get me wrong, she and I were never more than just friends even though sometimes I thought that she wanted to be much more than just that. During that time my family and I had a pretty tense relationship. Back then I always aimed it at the fact that I had gone to the police academy and that my mother could be overprotective already back then. And then all of a sudden, this woman came to take me out of my family circle. I told my parents early that I like women more than men and that time it scares the hell out of me, but after a very short time my parents turned to me and told me that I was still their daughter and that they still loved me. No matter what. But maybe Ma doesn't like Bella either because she's always seen more than me. Bella Snyder is an outstanding detective in Indianapolis, I know it because I follow her career from time to time. I am no stalker, don't worry. But because I'm very busy myself, I don't always have the time to call all my old friends every night and ask them how they have been in all this time. Sometimes I am very happy that Google was invented.

Bella takes a sip from her own beer and raises her brows. "I'm surprised that you still live in Boston."

I scoff and shrug once more. "You know, I was born here and I probably will die here."

She smiles broadly at me. "Yea, that's always impressed me about you."

"What?"

"That you're so loyal."

I grunt this time and take a swig from my beer, furrowing my brows. "You never miss Boston?"

Bella takes a deep breath and leans back in her chair. "Sometimes I do, but then I remember that this town will never as exciting as Indianapolis. I mean, you know me, I've never been like other people."

"True," I laugh and shake my head. "you've always been the more adventurous one of us."

"But I have to say that I haven't managed into several serial killers in my short career as a cop."

I grit my teeth and hold my breath. I know that she wasn't trying to sound all to exuberant, unsuccessfully. "Lucky you," I mumble and automatically clench my fists. Strangely enough, I hadn't had that reaction in years. Maybe because it is no longer a topic in BPD and among my friends anymore, or maybe these stigmas are only silent witnesses of a fading memory. But I think that I clench my fists because I noticed that Bella had looked again and again at these damn scars and I only wait for the question if it had hurt very much. When these scars were still fresh, I was treated with great care, so I was assigned to a new partner, that's why I asked for a new partner. It has taken me years to get halfway over this trauma and so long I have been haunted by nightmare. My, God, how many times did I go to Maura's in the middle of the night because of that? I can't even count them anymore.

These scars aren't evidence of courage, they are evidence of stubbornness and stupidity. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it right now or why I'm worried that Bella might want to touch them. I don't mind of Maura takes my hands in hers or when she runs her thumbs over these contemporary witnesses. I don't even know why I keep thinking about her. I just have to tell myself over and over again that this time it's Maura's turn, not mine. And maybe it's not a bad idea to take Bella home for tonight to distract me. I mean, I know she's not in Boston for long and one night is no obligation. I just have to put my cards on the table.

I flinch a little when her hand touches mine and it tears me from my train of thoughts.

Bella looks at me worriedly. "You okay?"

I force myself to smile and nod. "Yeah, I just got -" I hear the door of the Dirty Robber open and I look into its direction only to glance into Maura's face. I can see that she's torn for a moment. I can literally hear her considering to turn around and leave again, but then I see something else on her face. Pain, horror. Things she usually doesn't show in public but she recovers fast and smiles at me, and I smile back even though I didn't want to.

My smile makes Bella turn her head for a second and then she quirks an eyebrow. "A friend of yours."

I open my mouth to agree but then I hesitate, watching Maura sitting down at the counter and greeting my mother as she orders a glass of wine. Well, at least I'm assuming that she orders one because she rarely drinks anything else. Thanks to Maura this pub has an exquisite wine list and Korsak often says that he's beyond glad that he has good contacts, otherwise he couldn't afford these types of wine.

I pull my hand back and sip my beer. "We -" I stop myself and shake my head. "She's the Chief Medical Examiner of Massachusetts, we're working closely together."

Bella leans forward and grins at me. "And?"

I scoff again but let my eyes wander up and down on the blonde when she crosses her legs like she's trying to challenge me once more without her knowing. She could wear a potato bag, I'd still find that very appealing.

I soon found out that blondes are my type. It sounds like a cliché but I'm more attracted to them than to brunettes so Maura and Bella fit perfectly into my predator-prey system. Even though there are quite some differences. Bella has a pale complexion, straight golden-blond hair pinned neatly back, and light brown eyes. There are no freckles or dimples. Her eyes are kind but not the way Maura's. I am very aware of the fact that they are quite different from each other. I clear my throat and empty my bottle of beer. "We used to be friends."

"What happened?"

I laugh humorlessly and get up to my feet, grabbing my empty bottle. "You want another one?"

She notices that I avoid the question and empties her bottle as well. "Sure."

I get her bottle as well and walk to the counter, standing close to my former friend. I look at Maura and smile faintly. "Hey."

"Hi," Maura replies without hesitance.

Ma places a glass of white wine in front of Maura and glares at me.

I clear my throat as I place my order and then I take a deep breath. "Having a nightcap before heading home?"

"It was a long day."

Yeah, I know. I was there, too. This situation is more than awkward and I don't know why I have to stand here, but somehow, I was overcome by the need to talk to her right now. "I know," I breathe.

She looks in the direction of Bella and a frown is on her forehead. "You're enjoying yourself?"

I follow her eyes and chuckle. "She's just an old friend. We went to the academy together."

"She's a slut," Ma suddenly throws in as she takes the empty bottles from my hands.

Maura opens her mouth in horror but I beat her. "Ma!"

"What?" My mother replies and glares at me for the third time of the night. "It's true. Everyone knows that she takes random women with her every time she's back in Boston."

I open my mouth to admonish her but then I lower my eyebrows. "Wait? What? How many times has she been back without my knowing?2

Ma purses her lips and turns around, muttering something about 'way too many times, 'asking for me' and that she's not worth my time.

My shoulders slump and I look in disbelieve at Maura, who is covering her mouth with her hand to disguise her amused smile. "Seriously," I ask and Maura burst out laughing.

Oh, how I missed that sound. Every time I hear it, it makes me smile, no matter how angry or sad I am.

But then she sobers instantly. "I miss you, Jane."

This time I am the one who reach out and take her hand in mine without a second thought. "I miss you, too."

She looks at our hands and a shadow is covering her face. She doesn't look at me when she asks, "Can't we be friends anymore? Can't we be … us?"

I want to shoo this shadow away right now, I want to take her in my arms, I want to kiss her, but I don't. But I don't pull my hand away either. "What is 'us'? Maura, I can't and I won't wait for you forever. I just … I can't. You know how I felt for you -"

Her eyes snaps to mine. "Felt?"

I hold her gaze and my breath. I feel the need to tell her that my love for her will never waver and that I will be always be there for her. But I also feel the need that I need a good will. That from now on secrets are off limits. I open my mouth to tell her all that but flinch when I feel an arm around my middle. I turn my head to look into light brown, mischievous eyes.

"Let's get out of here," Bella says boldly and looks directly at the other blonde.

I frown because I see something breaking inside Maura and for a short second I want to turn Bella down but then I change my mind. Maybe I need this. Maybe I need Maura to understand what it feels like to love someone you can't have for yourself, to understand what it feels like to love someone and watch them going home with someone who isn't you. I swallow hard and pull my hand from Maura's , nodding. "Yeah, let's get outta here." I say and I hear a faint gasp of Maura.

Bella smiles broadly at me.

I turn to leave and hear my mother yell. "Jane Rizzoli!" I ignore it, though.

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As soon as Bella and I arrive in my apartment I lock the door and set the door chain, too, leaning my forehead against the cooling wood. God, I hate heatwaves. I take a deep breath and shake my head. "B, I think you got the wrong idea."

"B?" She laughs and I frown. "It's been ages since the last time you called me that."

I'm surprised when I hear the door of my fridge opening and closing again, and then I feel cold glass on my skin. I push myself off my apartment door and look into amused light brown eyes, frowning. "I thought -"

"Yeah, stop thinking." She replies and shoves a bottle of beer into my hand. "Look, I like you, Jane, a lot. But I'm not blind and I don't put myself between two people who are in love with each other." I want to disagree but shut my mouth as soon as she raises a hand. "I'm not dumb, Jane. The moment you said that it's complicated I knew that you need a wingman. I once was that, remember? I once was your best friend."

I scratch the back of my head and smile wryly. "Yes, I remember something like that."

She scoffs and looks around in my apartment/house. "This place is nice. What happened to your old apartment?"

I wrinkle my nose and take a sip of my beer. "It burned down. Well, to be honest, it was burned down by a woman who got killed by a maniac of a drug overdose who thought that I was the reason that she wasn't best at the academy, so she was looking for retribution. First, she stole all my data, then she let burn my apartment down, and then she had Maura kidnapped."

Bella stares at me like I completely lost my mind and frowns deeply. "You can't be serious."

I furrow my brows and nod. "Oh, but I am."

"You know, once I wanted to be like you." She states after a short moment.

I chuckle and ask, "But not anymore?"

She shakes her head in response. "Nope, not anymore."

We share a laugh before we become silent for few seconds.

"You know, she's pretty much in love with you."

I laugh sarcastically and take a deep breath. "Yea, I don't think so, B."

"When your friend saw us at the pub, she'd love to kill me." She replies and shrugs. "I don't have eyes in the back of my head but I felt her gaze."

"Maura isn't a violent person." I mumble and frown.

"You know that I don't mean it literally, Jane."

"Yea," I mumble and smile.

She looks at me long. "You and her are more than just friends, aren't you?"

I take a deep breath and clench my jaw. "I honestly don't know what we are."

"You got involved with her, didn't you?"

I hare that I'm such an open book for so many people, especially when they haven't seen me for ages and actually shouldn't know how I'm ticking anymore. "I was foolish enough to think that I'd be enough for her. I know that we're coming from to different worlds. I mean, Maura's wealthy, well-educated and very classy and I'm just a blue-collar -"

"Oh, cut that crap." She interrupts me all of a sudden and my eyes grow huge. "Yeah, sometimes you behave like a bull in a china shop but that makes your charm." She looks long at her. "You are in love with her, aren't you? That's why pretend that it's complicated. She doesn't response the way you like."

"Belle." I say warningly but then it dawns to me. "That's why you act like you're hooking up with me? To make Maura jealous."

She shrugs and walks toward me. "Let's pretend that's the only reason." She states and I swallow hard. "I already told you that I like you, Jane. You and Maura are not exclusive so I'm not pinching her girlfriend." She takes my hand in hers and I hold my breath while she leads me up the damn stairs. "Let's be spontaneous and adventurous for once even though your mother won't like it. And I'll only be in Boston for two more days anyway and after that you probably won't see me for the next ten years unless you decide to come to Indianapolis. Why not working your so famous Rizzoli magic on me?" She turns her head and winks. "Besides you can't knock me up which would cause any obligations, can you?"

This time I don't shy away and sigh heavily. "No, I can't."

She smiles broadly at me and I shake my head.

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Bella smiles at me the next morning and kisses m cheek as I am about to open my front door. "I hope to meet you the next time under better circumstances."

"Me too." I reply and open the door, stopping dead because I look straight into Maura's shocked face. And I'm totally dying inside right now because her analytical mind immediately understands the situation, but I croak, "Maura, hey."

Bells doesn't seem to mind the situation at all and passes Maura without a second thought. "Good morning, Doctor."

Maura blinks a couple of times and smiles tightly at the other woman but doesn't say a word.

I see the pain in her eyes and somehow this moment fills me with satisfaction. Not because I didn't want to have some kind of revenge but because Maura might start to understand how I feel every time when she's taking another man with her and maybe she understands now that I really won't wait for her for the rest of my life. I ask her when she neither moves nor says anything. "Did something happen to my mother?" Why the hell am I asking if something happened to Ma instead of asking what's the reason that brought her here?

Maura frowns a little and shakes her head. "Oh, no. Angela's doing great. I didn't … I didn't want to give the impression that anything happened to her."

I shift my weight from one foot to the other and brace myself on the doorjamb, I know that I keep a straight face although I'm quite agitated inside and actually hoped that this little adventure with Bella would remain undetected. Apparently, I was hoping for too much. "What brings you here?"

It seems like that Maura herself isn't sure why she came here and frowns a little. "I … I've been thinking a lot."

"Don't you always?" I shoot back and it seems like it caught her off the guard.

She wiggles her brows and she licks her lips. "Indeed, I do, but I was thinking about you and me and the situation we're in."

I take a deep breath and turn around to go back into my house but I didn't slam the door in her face and I know exactly that she understood the hint and follows me. Like I said, Maura's always thinking and analyzing. "You mean the situation you brought us into?"

"To be fair," she replies and puts her purse on the kitchen counter. "you were pressing me."

I laugh humorlessly and cross my arms over my chest. "I was just trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I poured out my heart to you and how I was feeling about you and you told me that you'd feel the same way, that you love me and then we spent the night together." I pause and furrow my brows. "Well, we slept together. Not like sleeping together but we shared -"

"Yes, I know." She cuts me off and smiles a little but it dies instantly because I don't return it.

Instead, I'm continuing. "And the next morning everything was different after I saw something in your eyes that worried me greatly. I wanted to get to the bottom of it and sometimes it works best when you putt someone under pressure."

"Maybe this method works on your suspects, Jane." Maura's firing back and I'll drop my arms. "But I am not a suspect you need to interrogate. I'm your friend and when I say stop then stop."

"And then what? Let it go?"

"Yeah, that's what you were supposed to do."

I stare at her in disbelieve before my anger takes over. "So, all of this is on me?"

Maura rolls her eyes and sighs because she knows that I would come to this conclusion. "That is exactly not what I wanted to say."

I huff and shake my head, heading to the fridge to see what's in it, and to cool myself off a little. "Oh, sure. Isn't it great that you have me so you can always blame it on me when something goes wrong?" I straighten my back again and clench my jaw. "You know what's really funny, Maura? After seeing me with another woman, you feel the need to show up here and that you want to talk all of a sudden after four months."

She is quiet for a moment and I see a light blush starting but she recovers fast. "I thought that we could talk because you said you missed me last night. And I miss you, too. I was hoping that we could go back to normal."

I slam the door of the cupboard shut and brace myself on the work surface without turning back to Maura. "Going back to normal? What do you understand by normal? Maybe that after work I'll go with you to the Dirty Robber and then we'll go to your place and fuck each other senselessly? That I'll wait for the rest of my life for you to realize what you really want while you've been seeing other guys and I'll stagnate? Is that what you understand by normal?"

I want to turn around to see if she's still here after I said those things or if she grabbed her belongings and ran out of the house. I want to check it because she is way too quiet right now. And maybe I also want to check if she's still breathing but I don't because I don't want her to see my exposed heart right now. The night with Bella was a welcome but I caught myself every now and then that my thoughts were drifting to Maura while I was sleeping with Bella, and I think that she noticed it too but didn't bring it up before she left. "Jane -" I hear Maura whisper and I close my eyes. I hold my breath as soon as I feel a hand on my back. "Jane, I'm sorry for the things I've done to you."

I grit my teeth and try not to turn to her. I know myself well. If I would look at her right now I'd give in immediately. I know that she's sorry for what she's done to me.

"Jane, please look at me," she says gently but I shake my head. "Please."

I take a deep breath and comply. I turn my head to look into deeply saddened hazel eyes and I clench my teeth once more.

She swallows hard and a single tear is rolling down her cheek. "I am really sorry that I hurt you that much, Jane. I wish that I wouldn't be the cause of all the pain you're in."

My body relaxes a little and I nod slowly. "I know, Maura. I really do but some things can't be undone."

Maura smiles sadly and closes her eyes when I dare to wipe the tear off her cheek. "Unfortunately."

"Yea," I sigh and want to take a step back before I lose my last remaining resistance but she grabs my wrist so I stay where I am right now. I frown a little and swallow hard. "Don't, Maura. I'm really not in the mood for playing games right now."

"Me neither." She replies and pulls me in for a hug. "I just want to hold my hand for a moment before I'm leaving for the airport."

My body goes rigid again as soon as I hear her saying this and I pull my head back. "The airport," I ask and then I remember that Ma tried to tell me something about Maura for the last few weeks but I always stopped her as soon as Maura's name left her mouth. "Where are you going?" I once more ask but this time I am whispering.

Maura blinks for a couple of times. "Sacramento."

"For how long?" I don't know why I feel the need to ask but I do anyway. "When are you coming back?" It scares me that she doesn't answer any of my questions right away. "You are coming back, right?" I furrow my brows because she tries to avoid my eyes. "Right, Maura? You are coming back to Boston." Please tell me that you are coming back … to me. I don't know what to do if you are leaving just because we both fucked up our friendship. That this isn't the reason for you to leave everyone behind that loves you. I think those words but I don't say them out loud even though I want to. I have no clue why they're not leaving my mouth. "Maura?"

Maura sighs heavily and licks her lips once again. "For now, I'm going to stay in Sacramento for three months."

"For now? Why?"

She sighs heavily once more before she answers, "One of my mentors called me eight weeks ago and asked me for my expertise on one of his cases. Unfortunately, he's no longer able to work the way he used to when he was teaching me."

"What a surprise," I grumble and hold her a little tighter. "I thought mummies are usually exhibited in a museum and not in forensics." I flinch when I feel her pinching my side and chuckle, but then a thought is crossing my mind and look at her. "Something tells me that this trip is connected with a job offer, correct?"

Maura holds my gaze and I can see that she's on the verge of tears as she smiles sadly at me. "Yes, it is."

I furl my brows as something deep inside me is breaking. Not because the woman I love more like my own life is about to walk out of my life and I am incapable to keep her from doing so but also because my very best friend is about to move to the other side of the country and I won't be able to see her on a daily basis. If she's really leaving for Sacramento we won't be able to go to our favorite pub and have drinks or sit together on her couch talking to each other face-to-face.

"I haven't made a decision yet, Jane." Maura says like she just read my thoughts, this time caressing my cheek with her thumb.

I look her right in the eyes and I try to believe her, but something is telling me that she already has made up her mind. "Yes, you have, Maura."

Shee needs a moment and then she's standing on her toes, looking at my lips and then she's hesitating like she's giving me the chance telling her to stop but I don't.

On the contrary, I pull her closer on her hips and lower my head even though my brain is screaming at me not to give in, this time I ignore it for once. I kiss her gently and in the same time I put all my feelings I still have for her into it and so does she as she's kissing me back. I don't want to break away after some moments but I doubt that we both want to suffocate right now. I lean my forehead against Maura's and keep my eyes closed. "Please tell me that what happened to us is the reason why you're leaving Boston, Maura."

Maura is clinging to my shirt but keeps her eyes closed just like me. "I wish I could say that that's not one of many reasons."

"What are the other reasons," I ask reluctantly.

"I can improve myself by the job in Sacramento." She whispers and my eyes snap open.

"How much more do you need to improve? I mean, you're already the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Boston is your hometown, your family lives here. They'll miss you -" I trail of and take a deep breath. "I'm gonna miss you."

She smiles at me and takes a deep breath, too. "Sometimes we have to change, Jane."

"Yes, but … can't you change here? In Boston?"

She smiles broadly at me. "Jane, it's just three months."

"Now!" I reply in a high-pitched voice but then my shoulders slump. "When's your flight?"

"In three and a half hours."

"Alright, give me time to shower and change. I'll drive you to the airport."

"Are these … your clothes from last night?"

"Um …" I reply and stop dead on the stairs, looking down at myself and grumbling as she starts to grin. "I wasn't expecting visitors in the morning."

Maura laughs out loud and I hurry up to my room.

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I'm not too surprised that Frankie, Nina, Korsak and Ma already waiting for Maura at the airport when we arrive but all the more it seems like they are as Maura and I enter the airport hall together.

It feels like hours until Maura has bid her goodbye to every single of them and right now my mother's about to kill her by a proper bear hug and peppers her face with kisses.

I groan and my shoulders slump. "Ma, you're crushing Maura right now. She's supposed to help Dr. Frankenstein and not to be one of his cadavers."

"But I'm going to miss her so much." Ma replies and squeezes Maura one last time before she let go of her.

Maura glares at me. "His name is Dr. Heckscher, Jane." Now she's looking at Ma and says. "And I'm going to miss you, too, Angela." She takes a deep breath and walks in my direction but doesn't have the chance to say something because I have her in my arms the second she's standing in front of me.

I swallow down the lump in my throat and whisper. "You take good care of yourself, alright."

She nods against my neck and I can hear the tears in her voice. "You too, Jane. I will call you every day."

I pout and mumble. "It won't be the same, though."

"It's only three months." Maura whispers back and I pull away so I can look closely at her.

"For now." I reply and she wiggles her brows.

After all of us have say out goodbyes to Maura over and over again she turns to leave without looking back. I know why she's doing it that way. So she can hide her tears and sadness from us and I shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans, watching her rounding the corner. Sighing heavily.

I flinch when I feel someone punching my shoulder and I look surprised at my mother, saying, "Ow! What was that for?"

"How can you let her leave just like that?" She states and scowls at me.

I rub my hurting shoulder and furrow my brows. "Maura's a grown woman, Ma. What am I supposed to do?"

"Go and run after her if you truly love her."

I open my mouth but Frankie cuts in. "Ma, this isn't a romantic movie. Jane running after Maura won't change anything."

"it would be worth a try." Ma states and I can tell that she's on the verge of tears just like Nina and I. I put my arms around her shoulders and smile sadly at her before she starts to lead the way out of the airport.

Frankie is walking beside me all of a sudden and looks long at me. "How are you doing, sis?"

I press my lips together and search for the right words that could describe how I'm feeling right now but then I simply say, "I feel like shit."

He pats my back and nods. "It gets better."

"You mean before or after we packed the rest of Maura's stuff and shipped it over to California?"

He opens his mouth but then he closes it again.

I nod this time and sigh, "Yeah, I thought so."

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 **Hey, guys. Before you hate me, I already told you that this is going to be a Rizzles and I stick to that. THIS IS GOING TO BE A RIZZLES FANFIC!**

 **But I think sometimes you need to separate ways to figure out what really matters in your life.**

 **Besides, I want to thank all of you for your kind reviews, and I want to shout out a special thanks to the guest reader CuteTortoise for giving me a good idea for this chapter. Thank you.**

 **Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this update and as always all of you are welcome to share your thoughts with me.**

 **Bye for now,**

 **T73.**


	10. Chapter 10

I sit at my desk and type thoughtlessly on the keyboard of my computer although I should be concentrating on my report. It's been four months since I've seen Maura in person.

Sure, we do make video calls every now and then but mostly the time difference thwarts our plans. At the beginning we made those calls at least times a week, but then everyday life set in.

I had to work new cases, and Maura had to sort out the mess in Sacramento somehow. It turned out that Dr. Heckscher didn't need Maura's help but the coroner's office because Heckscher had manipulated evidence in several cases so that the prime suspects would actually be convicted.

I can still remember very well the evening when Maura called me and I could immediately see that she was in shock and I asked her carefully what the matter was. She initiated me into her inner conflict and I tried to reason with her which was not so easy since Heckscher was one of her close confidants and her mentor who had taught her the most of what she knows today when it comes to forensics. That evening Maura was devastated and she could hardly believe that her longtime friend had done such thing, telling me that she was wishing I'd be with her that night. Oh, how I was wishing that too so I could tell her that everything was going to be fine and that she knows what's the right thing to do.

It turned out that Maura had to review of cases which were proceeded by Heckscher and the courts were flooded by hundreds of appeals.

I'm still sick of what that old bastard did. Sure, sometimes you can get really frustrated, especially of you know that the perp is still free but you can't nail them. I know this feeling of helplessness, everyone in the force knows it, but neither of us has forged evidence because of that feeling. Instead we worked even harder until we could finally make the overdue arrest.

I could understand that Maura had little time to get in touch with me and the others and I was grateful for every call and every text, but even these became less and when I called her every now and then I could her laughing and clinking glasses in the background, knowing that she was having drinks with her new colleagues, her new friends.

I jump a little when someone is clearing their throat and I turn my head to the right to look into Kent's face. "What?" I growl low.

He hasn't been intimidated by me and my growling for a long time and lifts a file unimpressed. "I got the tox screen you've keep asking for."

I take the file from his hands and narrow my eyes. "I thought it would take two more days before you get it."

All of a sudden, he looks around nervously and clears his throat. "Um … well ... I called in a chip."

I nod slowly but don't break eye contact with him. "Uh-huh," I reply skeptically. "Who owed you one?"

I can tell that he's looking for a good answer. "Uh, the bold guy who's usually running the tox screens."

I scoff and drop the file on my desk, lowering my brows. "You do know that you are temporarily running the ME's office, don't you?"

Kent nods and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "Yes, I am painfully aware of that."

"When the governor asks you the next time who's responsible you shouldn't say 'The bold guy who usually runs this test'."

Kent smiles wryly at me and shoves his hands into the pockets of his trousers. "Thanks for the advice, Jane."

I can hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice and I smile, nodding. "Thanks for it, though." I take a deep breath and already know the answer but I need him saying it anyway. "Why did you get this back so fast?"

Now he's trying to avoid my eyes. "I ask a friend for a little help."

"That means you asked Maura for help."

He clears his throat once more and shrugs. "Yeah."

I nod slowly and furrow my brows. "How is she doing?"

"Um, she's doing good besides the -"

I nod and sigh as he trails off. "Besides the disaster that is caused by Heckscher."

"Yes."

"So, it'll take a while until she's coming back?"

"Maura didn't mention that."

Of course, she didn't. I look back at my screen and wonder what the things I have been writing are supposed to mean, if 'gsdjhfnsdbfhsdbf' means anything at all. I guess not.

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I go to my fridge and open it to get myself a damn bottle of beer, no, two are better. I stop dead and look in the direction of the liquor cabinet where the booze is stored. I walk up to it and get a bottle of whisky out of it. Hell, I don't need to be at the office tomorrow and neither do I plan to go to my mother's place so I can get waste all the way I want. I grab a glass and groan when my laptop starts ringing, wondering who the hell is thinking of calling me at ten in the night. I drop down at the couch and frown deeply when I see that it's Maura who actually tries to reach me. I look at the booze and the glass and place it right beside the electronic device, accepting the call. I smirk and say, "Look who's calling me after what feels like a century."

Maura rolls her eyes and I want to reach out for her. "I know that it has been a while and I am deeply sorry for that."

"It must be difficult for you sorting out the miss your mentor left behind and hanging out with your new friends." I say and I really want to slap myself in the same moment because Maura looks like I just did that to hear, but I also notice that she looks really tired. "I shouldn't have said this." I state and she shrugs with a weak smile. "You look tired, Maura."

"Well, I work day and night to fix the mess my mentor's left behind." She says and sighs heavily. "We all do and sometimes all of us need a break and drinks."

"Sure you do." I agree and frown. "You know, I could take a leave, come to Sacramento and help you guys out. I'm sure Korsak, Nina and Frankie would do the same if you -"

"No," she laughs and shakes her head. "No, I couldn't do that to the people of Boston, asking their finest to leave only to help me here."

"You know you're one of Boston's finest, too, right?"

"Thank you, Jane."

I can't help the smile on my face. "You're welcome." I take a deep breath. "I assume the work there isn't going the way you like?"

Maura presses her lips together and shrugs. "I am not used to the fact that some people are not working with me but against me … which I understand because Dr. Heckscher used to be an icon in forensics. I still can't believe that he has done such a thing."

I am about to pour myself a glass of whisky and stop dead as I see her questioningly look. "What? I have the weekend off and Ma's spending her weekend with Ron, Korsak and Kiki in Cape Cod. I deserve a drink or two."

Maura starts to chuckle and I shake my head with a smirk. "I didn't say anything, Jane."

"I know," I chuckle and take a sip of the burning liquid, making a face. "I just … I heard you admonishing me even though it was just in my head."

"Have a glass for me, too."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise and raise my glass to her. "Your wish is my command, Dr. Isles." Maura stares at me but then we both burst out laughing the way we hadn't for a long time. It's light and carefree but then I turn serious again and take a deep breath. "I really miss you, Maura."

She nods in agreement and I can see that she indeed reaches out to touch my face/her screen. "I miss you, too. I miss you very much."

"BPD isn't the same without you, Boston isn't the same without you." I say and she smiles broadly. "I hate to admit it but I've been a selfish asshole in the past."

"So was I," she replies and I agree with a nod. "But that's something -"

"We shouldn't discuss via a video chat."

"Precisely."

I grunt and nod once more.

Maura and I keep on catching the lost time up in less than four hours until I realize that it must be way past midnight in Sacramento and that Maura is barely able to keep her eyes open. I tell her with a heavy sigh that it is okay if we talk another day and that she should get some rest which she first refuses to do but the big yawn she's giving me tells me otherwise and I wish her a good night with a real laugh. After that we keep on wishing each other a good night for the next five minutes until I say that I get in touch with her later then we ended our call.

I sigh heavily and lean back in my couch, emptying the glass of whisky I poured half an hour ago. Something tells me that she misses the nightly talks that we used to have to after a heavy case and that we care about nothing but ourselves that moment. It sounds selfish, I know, but carrying the burden of keeping a whole city is back-breaking and then you need to have a time of the ht and great need to see my friend, and Korsak asked me if I am sure that I want to do this to myself after I called him in the middle of the night after half a bottle of booze to call in sick. I know that he knew that I was anything but sick. Drunk but not sick.

I my head was killing me when my phone started to buzz and I cursed the one who was calling me. It was Korsak, though, asking me if I was sure about this and the it was me asking what the hell he was talking about. Korsak told me to check my email and my credit cards and then I cursed once more, ending the call and grabbing everything that was essential. Shortly after I arrived at the At Logan I called Maura and hoped that she'd pick it up. She did indeed. Everything after that call doesn't matter anymore.

I take a deep breath and hold it while looking out for my best friend. It doesn't take long until I spot her and walk straight up to her. Stopping right in front of Maura in person and she takes all of me in bit by bit. "Jane -"

I notice the mand standing right behind her who is looking at her like she's a prey and before I know it I pulled her against me and my lips are on hers. That's not exactly the way I pictured our reunion and to quote Frankie 'This is not a romantic movie' but I can't help it, I have to do this even though this might be too pushy. I feel Maura stiffening in my arms and she doesn't response at all but then she I feel her humming and she wraps her arms around my body before she breaks the kiss. She scrutinizes my face and smiles softly. "Well, I'm very glad to see you, too."

I can be polite, too … sometimes. "Likewise, Doctor. I hope that I am the only patient you are welcoming this way."

The smile Maura's giving me is almost cracking her face. "It is. Jane, this is my assistant Brian Shun who will take over after we figured out the mess that has been left by Dr. Heckscher. He offered to pick you up."

I look at the man whose jaw hit the floor and clear my throat. "Pleasure to meet you, Shun."

He nods once at me. "Is that a way to welcome your colleagues in Boston?"

I blink a couple of times and furrow my brows. "French kissing them? Yes, that's what we do every time when we come to the office. Sticking our tongues in each other's throats to say good morning." I ignore Maura's light slap and pull her closer to me like I am seeing my girlfriend after ages and she doesn't tell me to stop doing so.

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I stand in the middle of Maura's apartment in Sacramento and frown deeply. It screams all the way Maura's name because the couch is designed and so it the dining table and in the same time it is modest like she is spending less time in here as possible. I sigh heavily and know that I should explain what has happened at the airport. "Maura, I'm sorry for what happened at the airport. I know that I shouldn't have -"

She puts my case at the end of the stairs and turns to me. "It's okay, Jane. I missed you, too."

I take a deep breath and flop down at the black couch in the middle of the place that is supposed to be the living room, or so I guess. "Yeah, that's what happens when I miss someone dearly. I push my tongue into their mouth. I hope Kiki won't mind that when I get back to BPD."

Maura straightens up and smirks. "Really, Jane."

"Korsak's married man." I state and force myself not to throw up at that though. I mean, not the thought of Kiki and Korsak being married but - Yeah, whatever. "You got a nice place here, it's really homey like … you're are planning to stay for a while. Like forever."

"I am not running from you."

I get up from the couch and walk around it, holding up my hand to signal that I am here in peace. "I'm not talking about myself, Maura." I stop and roll my eyes. "I do, but I know that the others feel the same way. I didn't come here to talking you into coming back to Boston but we miss you, Ma misses you." She makes me stop and feeling bad because I feel like I'm trying to lure her back. "And I miss you as my friend. "I miss you as my best friend."

"Jane -"

"I know that this is way too forward but I am here to bring you home."

"Jane -"

"The last year I was hoping for so much, expecting so much although I knew that you wanted to take things slow."

"Jane -"

"Both of us have done so much so wrong -"

"Jane." Maura says louder and I shut my mouth. "Yes, we both have many things done wrong." She says and hands me a bottle of water. "But the best thing you could have done was to book a flight to Sacramento even though you apparently don't seem to remember that you warn me about that last night already."

I lower my brows and cross my arms over my chest. "I did not such thing."

Maura takes a deep breath and shows me a dozen of messages I apparently have sent to her without my knowing, without me being fully conscious, telling her that I am in Sacramento in half an hour. I tug my chin in and clench my jaw. "I am so sorry about that."

She laughs and pulls me into a tight hug. "I am beyond glad that you kept your word, Jane. But it would have been a surprise you'd have done otherwise." She smiles and so do I and sit down on her couch. "We have a lot to talk about."

I sigh heavily and place my elbows on my knees, leaning onto them. "Yes, we do."

She takes a moment and shakes her head. "You are my best friend and I want you to know that nothing in this world is ever going to change that."

I don't like the way this is going but I say, "Okay -"

"And there is nothing in this world that could ever change my love for you." Maura continues but I don't dare to look at her, I'm scared of doing so. I am scared that then I would see that there is a big but coming that is going to crush me. I feel the couch next to me dipping a little and I know that she sat down, too. I don't know why I am holding my breath or why I am sitting here like a teenager that has been called to principal's office. And obviously not even more than three thousand miles can keep us apart."

I furrow my brows but look at my feet when I open my mouth to disagree, but then I mumble. "No." I literally can see Maura smiling at me even though I'm not looking at her.

She chuckles and places a hand on my thigh. "And obviously even if a man is standing right beside me at the airport it doesn't keep you from kissing me."

This let my eyes snap up and I turn my head to look at her, hoping that she isn't mad about that. "That guy was looking at you like you're his prey. I -" My shoulders slump and I take a deep breath. "He isn't your boyfriend, is he?"

Maura smiles broadly and she shakes her head. "Actually no, he is in fact just my assistant while I try to clean Heckscher's mess up, but I know that he's looking at me that way, which is really scary sometimes."

"Now he knows where his place is." I grumble and shrug.

Maura chuckles and doesn't take her hand off my thigh. "You know, since I am here I have done a lot of thinking." She holds her hand up when I open my mouth. "I know what you are going to say, Jane. I am always thinking, and maybe sometimes I am overthinking things. Maybe I was overthinking our relationship which scared me because you are my best friend, Jane, and I was afraid of what would happen if we wouldn't work out as a couple. What it would do to us if it wouldn't work out." She pauses and licks her lips like she's looking for the right words. "I mean …. sometimes I really think that I am not made for a serious relationship, Jane."

I frown deeply and skid a little closer, asking. "Why are you saying that, Maura?"

This time it's her who isn't looking at me and she scoffs humorlessly. "Look at my previous relationships, Jane. I normally use to date men who either kill their half-brother or who are serial killers who want to turn my dead body into a statue. Or I let -"

"You let this Jack guy walk out of your live so he can be closer to his daughter, Maura." I say when she trails off and swallows hard. "I know that this must have been the hardest decision for you because I know that you really liked this man." Which makes it really hard for me to talk about him because actually I liked him too. I take her hands in my own and look deep into her eyes. "Letting someone you truly care about walk out of your life so he can be with his daughter is the most selfless thing someone can do for them, Maura. And Jack was a fool. He was a fool because he didn't stand up and fought for your relationship."

"He was moving New Mexico, Jane, and I was the one -"

"So?" I cut her off and my eyes are huge. "It's not written that you have to be in the same city or even in the same state to have a good relationship, Maura. If he'd love you the way you -" This time I trail off and clench my jaw so I won't vomit at the thought. "He would've fought for you, follow you everywhere you've gone -"

"Like you do?"

"You just made me sound like a frantic stalker but yes." I reply and we both laugh. "Yes, like I do. I mean, I'm not only her for my own sake but also for my … our family and friends. You are a big part of the Rizzoli family, Maura, and of the BPD. You not being in Boston … it's not the same. All of them need you."

Maura smirks knowingly. "They?"

I shrug and pull my hands back. "Yeah, you know Ma's complaining how much she's missing you all the time. Kent is driving nuts and Frankie doesn't say your name out loud at the precinct."

"And what about you?"

"I'm doing alright. Yeah, I thought that a spontaneous trip to the Big Tomato has its benefits like paying you a visit and checking how you are doing before I head for some burgers."

"I missed you, too." Maura laughs and then she's carefully shoving me. "And I missed touching you."

I quirk an eyebrow. "Careful, Doctor."

"You know what I mean." I reply playfully but then I turn serious again. "I am not your ex-boyfriends, Maura. I will not try to turn your body into a statue or kill one of my brothers just because for who they are. And I'm not going to leave you so I can be close to my daughter. I am me, Maura. I am Jane Rizzoli and I won't go anywhere until you ask me to, or until I -" I stop right there because I can see that I'll upset Maura if I finish that sentence. "I'm not going anywhere, Maura."

She takes a deep breath and licks her lips. "It didn't feel that way eight months ago."

I look long at her and I understand that Maura being here is somehow my doing although she's keeping telling me that it isn't. Right now, I can see the naked truth and I want to turn back time, I want to go back and take every single word back that I have said before I left her house the last time in the morning. "I know, Maura, and I wish that I could turn back time but I can't. You know that I was mad with Frankie and Korsak because they thought that they's have to pick my side instead of yours. I was mad at them because they picked any side. You are a part of us, you didn't deserve such a treatment." I exhale loudly and furrow my brows. "It wasn't only you who made mistakes, Maura. I did some on my own. I know that you are sometimes as talkative as I am when it comes to things that makes you uncomfortable and I know that there is nothing worse than pushing you then. And it was wrong of me to demand answers from you about something that has happened in your past that you clearly weren't ready to talk about. And perhaps I was reacting the way I did because I was piqued, because I thought that we haven't had any secrets anymore after all we've been through together. And maybe because I was thinking that I am the one who can keep you from being hurt." I pause and run a hand through my hair. "And then it turned out that I was the one who was hurting you the most."

Maura turns in her seat so she can look directly at me and rubs her neck. "I think we've hurt each other in every possible way, Jane."

"Yeah, but you didn't make me run to California." I reply and she smiles at me.

"No, I did not." She looks long at me and sighs. "What about the woman that left your house the morning I told you that I was leaving for Sacramento."

I take a sip of my water and shrug. "What about her?"

"Are you still seeing her?"

I choke on the water and wipe my chin with the back of my hand. "It was only a one-night thing."

"Didn't you say that she was an old friend of yours."

I roll my eyes and nod. "She was a distraction." I leave the part in which I was with Bella and thought about her. I blink a couple of times. That I was thinking about Maura.

"Does she know about this fact?"

"She's still talking to me without asking what that night has to mean." I reply and Maura nods. "What about you? Have you been with someone ever since you left?"

She shakes her head. "You are the last person I have been with."

I don't know why my mouth gets try, why my heart skips a beat or why it feels like I have butterflies in my stomach after she said that. I clear my throat and get up from the couch because suddenly I am feeling very hot and I know that I shouldn't stay close to Maura right now. I walk to the glass wall of Maura's apartment that reveals the skyline of Sacramento's midtown and close my eyes for a brief moment. Who am I fooling, this is more a loft than an apartment. "You will always like the fancy places, won't you?"

"I used to live here before I moved to Boston." Maura replies and I stiffen because her voice is right behind me.

"How could you -" I start to ask and roll my eyes at nobody. "No, scratch that."

"Actually, I hate this place." She states and my eyes flutter shut as soon as I feel her hands running along my shoulders.

I swallow hard and force my voice to stay calm. Oh, I hate myself for wearing nothing but jeans and a tank top. "How can you say that? This view is gorgeous."

"But this isn't Boston." She suddenly says and I close my eyes once more when I feel her lips on my skin. "It's not where you are."

I turn around and take her off the guard by not moving at all. "You better quit playing games with my heart, Maura. I hardly survived the last time you left me."

Maura takes my hand in hers and kisses the back of it, a single tear is running down her cheek. "Just like me, Jane. I meant it when I said that I love you." She holds my gaze and places my hand right above her heart that is beating hard. "It was never my intention to play with your heart, Jane. I love you, I truly love you and only you. Sometimes -"

She gasps when I pull her against my body and I look deep into her eyes. "No more fooling around." I whisper and lower my head. "No more secrets."

I force to stay open when she's tracing my face with her finger tips and she shakes her head. "No more secrets."

God, I was hoping for so long to hear those three words coming from her mouth and I still have hope that Maura really means it. I keep on staring at her and don't move at all.

Maura raises her brows and starts to chuckle because I appear to be frozen. "Are you broken?"

I blink a couple of times. "Huh?"

Maura's beaming at me and asks once more, "Are you going to kiss me or is your mainboard fried?"

I growl low and whisper against her lips, "You definitely spend too much time with computer nerds since you are in Sacramento, recovering all data of Dr. Heckscher." I say and kiss her before Maura gets the chance to complain about my choice of words. This kiss is different from the one at the airport, though. Maura sighs like a heavy weight has been lifted off her chest and I hum because she scrapping her nails over my skull. Something she has done never before, but then a thought is crossing my mind and I pull away. "Please tell me that this isn't just about sex."

"This isn't about sex at all." She replies and this time I believe her.

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Well, I believed Maura, but somehow, we are both very naked at this moment and I look at her with a smile. It's true, this time it wasn't all about sexual satisfaction or stress relief. This time we both lowered our protective walls and exposed ourselves emotionally, revealing our vulnerability.

She breathes in deeply and turns her head to glance at me. "Hi." She states tiredly. Not because I hardly let her rest. I think she's rather emotionally drained and therefore physically, too.

I take a moment before I reply, "Hey."

A silence settles over us. Not the enchanting kind of silence but the one in which you remember the days in which everything around you disappeared but the person who is close to your heart, those days which are carefree and full of happiness, and not as dark as those that followed shortly after them. Days when you thought that your restlessness would be over.

Maura shoves her left hand under her head and frowns at me. "I never wanted to be who I am today."

Her words are pulling me out of my train of thought and I blink a couple of times, furling my brows in confusion. "What?"

She scrutinizes me for a moment and her frown is deepening. "I never wanted to be who I am today, I mean, emotionally." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "You know that sometimes I can give the impression to be clinical, cold and distant. I know that many still think that of me, even those I deal with every day. I'm sure that's what you think sometimes, too."

I raise my brows and open my mouth to disagree but then I shut it again because if I'd do so I would lie to her right now. Sure, sometimes I really think that Maura's falling back into old patterns. Those she had when we got to know each other better, those before we became friends. But I never dared to tell her that or to anyone else.

She smiles at me and I run a hand over her bare shoulder in hope she won't pull back. She doesn't and I am beyond relieved. "It's a form of self-protection."

I give her a moment but Maura doesn't continue. "Why would you need to protect yourself from me, Maura," I ask gently and she sighs.

Maura shakes her head. "I don't have to, Jane, I know that deep down but … There is hardly a part of my life you don't know about."

"But there are still some things you didn't tell me."

"Yes."

"Why," I ask her and I know that a bit of my frustration is shining through again. "I mean, you know that I am the last person who'd judge you for what you've done in your past. Everyone makes mistakes and who knows maybe we can laugh about the things you haven't told me yet."

Maura is silent again and looks past me like she's trying to figure out to tell me more or to run again but this time I don't push her and keep my mouth shut. "i don't think that we would laugh about it, Jane."

"You can't know that."

She's pressing her lips together and I pray that she's not shutting me out again. "I have done some things in my past I am not proud of."

"Have you used drugs," I ask her out of the blue and keep a straight face even though that the answer is no.

Maura blinks in confusion and frowns once more. "Of course not."

"Have you been a hit-and-run driver and haven't told me about it?"

"No."

"Have you been a con artist, bank-robber, burglar?" I smile because she rolls her eyes. "I don't ask because I know that you are a kind of ex-con." I laugh and flinch the moment she swats my arm and she's laughing, too, but then I sober again. "Maura, you are the most kind-hearted person I have ever known and there is nothing in this world that could change my mind. I know that you could never hurt a person on purpose."

"At least not physically." She states and I give her a tight smile. She looks at me and I know that I don't have to agree with that statement. She takes a deep breath and I wait patiently. "Shortly after I started my studies at BCU, I dated a man." She says and I suppress the urge to tell her that I am really shocked about the news. I know that if I'd say those words out loud Maura would close up again and probably start a fight. "He was a very, very manipulative person."

I can't hold back the question that is coming to my mind. "Are you talking about this Fairfield guy."

She stares at me but smiles. "I knew that you would ask that. No, it wasn't … the Fairfield guy, it was before I met Garrett, Jane."

I shrug and furrow my brows. "For all we know, Garrett's a spoiled prick who murdered his half-brother, a very manipulative prick."

Maura rolls her eyes and I clear my throat to tell her to continue. "Are you finished?"

I nod once. "Yes. Please continue."

She shakes her head but a small smile is evident on her lips. "His name was Jonah Salazar."

"That doesn't sound like the name of a person you are normally surrounded by." I state and furrow my brows as soon as I see her puzzled look. "I mean, normally your acquaintances have names like Sanford, Burke, Henderson Irwin -" I trail of because she's staring at me like I've lost my mind. "Uh, Salazar sounds like 'Hey, wanna get your hands …' Î better shut up now."

"Thank you." She scoffs but punches my arm anyway, hard this time. I did not teach her that. "His name was Jonah Salazar and he was really sweet in the beginning."

"I guess he was at BCU, too."

"Actually no." She replies and this time I am really surprised.

"Let me make a wild guess: You had trouble with your care, drove to a garage and he was supposed to fix it but instead focusing on that he was flirting hard with you."

"You're wrong again, Jane. He was an acquaintance of my fellow student's brother. I didn't meet him in a garage, I met him in a bar. Corinna and I went out one night and ran into her brother Lee and his friend Jonah. As I said, he was very sweet, charming and kind. At the beginning at BCU I didn't really want to have a committed relationship, I wanted to focus completely on my studies, but you know that life can be unpredictable."

This time I listen and let her talk, only stating obvious things. "So, you started dating him."

Maura nods and I can see sadness in her eyes. "At first our time together was really great. Jonah was attentive and took care of me. When we were together late at night, he brought me to BCU to make sure I got there safely."

When Maura and I became more than just friends, jealousy came over me whenever she was talking about her previous partner and I always tried to oft-pedaled her relationships with them, even joked about it, which was really stupid in hindsight. Normally I am not a jealous jerk with inferiority complexes and it was not new to me that she had partners before me, I had some before her, too. But somehow, I got the feeling that I could never compete with the men she had been with until Maura told me that this thought of mine would be silly. Hearing about a man named Jonah who was a mechanic proves it. I sigh heavily and put a strand of hair behind her ear. "What happened?"

She scoffs and shrugs. "He took advantage of me. Jonah realized at some point that I was coming from a wealthy family. At first, he asked me to pay for spare parts for his own car. He claimed that he normally could buy them from a friend but that they would come from overseas what made them really expensive."

I smile softly at her. "And you bought them."

She's pressing her lips together. "Stupid, right?"

"Well, one of my brothers bought a whole car for his girlfriend and shortly after that she broke up with him only to come back into his life years later only to pretend that they have a daughter. You did neither of that, did you?"

Maura chuckles and shakes her head, recalling what I'm talking about. "No."

I turn serious again. "But I sense that this was just a beginning."

"It was indeed. Shortly after that he asked me out because he was broke but had an invitation of a wedding that he had to attend and he needed a new suit. Of course, he needed to have tailored one and … Back than I really thought that it would be small things he was asking for small things. Things that everybody needs like clothes and food."

I nod slowly. "Yeah, sure. Everybody needs to eat, and sometimes you have to ask a friend or your family to help you out."

"You don't."

I furrow my brows and admit, "I'm too proud to ask."

Maura smiles broadly at me and traces my jaw with the tip of her fingers. "Very true."

I take a deep breath. "What happened next?"

She becomes serious again. "Well, those basic things became bigger like expensive watches, jewelry even I wouldn't wear. And when we went out for dinner he asked me to pick up the bill because he was broke once more."

"He sponged on you," I state and clench my jaw.

She nods and laughs humorlessly. "Yes, he did."

"But that's not the end of the story. Something tells me that there is more and that this guy is the reason why you are withdrawing when it comes to things like love."

Maura looks long at me and frowns. "I hate that you can read me so well."

"Reading people is my job, Maura, that's what I do for a living." I reply and she swallows hard. "What has this guy done to you, Maura?"

Maura is silent for a moment and she licks her lips. "I didn't care about the fact that he was using my money because -"

"Because you don't care about material things." I cut her off. Not because I think she needs too long to say it out loud but because I want her to know that I am very aware of that fact, and that I don't care about that, either. I mean, she could be poor as a church mouse, I'd still love her. Her, not her name and not her money. Maura alone because for who she is.

She smiles at me again. "Yes." She's pausing and furrows her brows. "But it was very important to Jonah. He showed off with the fact that he had a wealthy girlfriend, that I was the one who financed his new standard of living which really didn't bother me. Which bothered me was that he started to make fun of me when we were with his friends, first behind my back and then right in front of me. He told them everything I told him in confidence, things I told him in his bedroom. He made fun of me about my lack of experience when it came to sex and told them that I'd do everything he asked for, which actually was true because I didn't know better. He made fun of my professional choice because only psychopaths would like to cut dead people open. He also told his friends about my childhood, that I always was different. Strangely enough, I laughed with people I barely knew about myself, but in that time something deep inside me died because Jonah was the first man -"

"You fell in love with." I finish when she trails off.

Maura closes her eyes and nods; a single tear runs down her cheek and I wipe it with my thumb off. "Yes." She whispers and I know that this still hurts her. "He was the first person ever I told that I love and he said it back. And in the next moment he gave me away for some laughter."

I can feel my anger bubbling up and I clench my jaw. I take her hand and pull her against my naked body, starting to understand. I kiss her gently and frown deeply, caressing her face. "I hope that you know that I would never would do this to you, Maura. I know that I can be an asshole sometimes but I would never hurt you on purpose. I love the way you are, all your oddities. I would never laugh about you but with you. This Jonah guy was an idiot because you are perfect the way you are."

She holds my eyes and her shoulders start to shake, not because she's holding back a laughter.

I kiss her gently and look at her with a deep frown. "I love you for who you are, Maura. Not because of your name or your money. I love you because you are generous. Oh, God, I love you so much because of your heart."

She gives me a smile that is more worth than any money on this world and I try to memorize this smile once and for all.

I turn on my back and squint at the ceiling when she places her head on my shoulder. "You know what I'm thinking?"

"What?" she murmurs.

"I really could use a new car." I chuckle when she's pinching my side with a laugh and I sigh. "I think that you could need some fresh pair of eyes in your mentor's case."

"You're staying?"

"I was thinking of Frankie."

"He could be helpful, yes."

I growl low and turn her onto her back, hovering over Maura. "You cheeky thing." I say playfully.

She laughs, I mean really laughs, and runs her hands up my back, looking into my eyes. "I love you, Jane."

I know that I smile like an idiot and that I don't have to say it back right now. I lower my back and kiss her long and gently.


	11. Chapter 11

**I am so so sorry for the delay, but sometimes you have an idea and then ... you're stuck with it. And then there is life ... I don't have to explain that to you.**

 **Thank you for bearing with me!**

 **As sad as it is, this story is also nearly finished but I'm thinking of a sequel. Let me know if you're interested.**

 **I hope that you like this chapter. Please let me know what you think.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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I'm sitting at my desk and stare at a file, a case we're currently working and which is actually bugging us. DA Kathleen O'Donnell has been found dead in her apartment and it was instantly clear that she didn't die of a natural cause of death. Even Maura was quick to say that she was murdered. How did that happen? Perhaps the stab wound in her chest and the twenty others to her body made her come to that conclusion. The apartment has been a mess and we immediately knew that she didn't go down without picking a fight. The only thing we still don't know is why O'Donnell had to die. It will take us a week to go through all her pending cases, not to mention those which are done.

That's the risk of prosecutors and cops, we make more enemies than friends. There is always one who's drawing the short straw.

Either the relatives of a victim whose aggressor hasn't been sufficiently convicted, the relatives of a perp who, despite of a flawless conviction, are still firmly convinced that their loved ones are victims of errors of justice, or even when the relatives of a perp who has relevant criminal records, friends and family, know that the perp is perfectly capable of committing the crime and still they hold a grudge against honorable public servants.

In the worst case scenario, you end up like Kathleen O'Donnell, dead.

I feel another presence in the already empty bullpen and turn my chair to the entrance only to see Maura standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. I look at my watch and groan annoyed. "Shoot, I forgot about our dinner reservation."

I can't read her expression right now, either she's more than pissed or she became really good at making a neutral face. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

She steps closer and sits down on the edge of my desk, sighing heavily. "I knew that we wouldn't get out of this building on time after we caught this case." She's pausing and raises her brows. "And to be honest, I forgot about our dinner myself until the restaurant called me to ask if we would make it."

My shoulders slump and I feel even worse, tracing her thigh without ulterior motives. "Really?"

"Yes," she says and smiles at me. "That's why I canceled our reservation and called Angela half an hour ago, and asked her to make us burgers that we can take home."

I lean up and kiss her with a smile. "You're the best."

She smiles wryly. "I know."

"And you're so humble."

She chuckles and kisses me once more. "I know."

I chuckle and close the file, and turn my desk lamp off. "Let's go."

Maura nods slowly and gets off my desk while I I got off my chair and get my jacket from the back of it.

She looks up at me and smiles as soon as I place my hand on the small of her back.

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I let myself fall on the couch with a deep sigh and let Maura sit down between my legs and take a sip from my beer. I didn't realize how exhausted I really am. We ate dinner together at the kitchen island and avoided talking about the murder of Kathleen O'Donnell.

Maura leans against me and breathes out slowly as if she's trying to sort her thoughts.

I kiss her neck and frown a little. "What's the matter?"

She's silent for a moment and stares ahead. "Kathleen was a good friend of mine."

I press my lips together and nod slowly. "Yes, I know." It's true, I know that O'Donnell and Maura were close friends and that they had fought many battles together in court. They spent many nights in Maura's office, sipping wine and discussing trails in which my girlfriend testified as an expert.

Probably the close cooperation of the DA's office and the ME's office was the recipe for a high success rate. I mean, everyone in Massachusetts knows that there's no one better than Dr. Maura Isles as a Chief Medical Examiner. That's an undeniable fact.

O'Donnell and I also worked closely together but we have never become such close friends as she and Maura. Friends, yes, but not besties.

Maybe it was also because she and Maura came from the same world and that she banished more things than my girlfriend.

O'Donnell was supposed to become a successful defense lawyer and to take the path of her family, and that she should even become a partner in her family's law office. O'Donnell took that way at first but after she had understood that she had to defend a child murder and had to get him out of prison even though everyone knew that he was guilty she understood the general idea of our law, she dedicated herself to get such monsters behind bars instead of ensuring that they are free.

"We're gonna find this son of a bitch who killed O ... Kathleen," I say and place my chin on her shoulder. I wrap my arms around her and inhale her scent deeply. Somehow I'm worried by the thought that a successful DA has been murdered and that someone is targeting those who are responsible for someone being locked away, probably the killer himself. That could mean that Maura's on the hit list, too.

Maura turns her head and looks long at me before she runs her fingers along my jaw. "Nothing's gonna happen to me."

It's always amazing how well she can read me. "I know, 'cause I'm gonna make sure that this son of a bitch gets locked up before he can get close to you."

She smiles and kisses me gently.

I lean my forehead against hers and close my eyes. "I mean it, Maura."

"I know," she whispers and kisses me again.

"I love you, Maura," I whisper back and shake my head. Not in the negative but because I can't believe that my heart is skipping a beat every time I say those words out loud and that I am not rejected anymore.

She looks long at me, turns around and straddles my lap all of a sudden. She tilts her head when she catches my confused look and snickers. "Don't look at me like you don't know what to do with your hands."

I frown deeply and my hands find their way on her thighs before I shut my mouth.

She's grinning at me and kisses me slowly while I start to tug on the hem on her shirt.

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It was the lover who killed Kathleen O'Donnell. It's always the lover or the spouse who murders the victim that is known. At least that's what my professional experience has shown me over the years.

For Maura, it was almost unbearable when we found out that her friend had a double life and insisted that we were wrong what led to a bad fight between us. Not because I doubted that the DA was a good person but because I assured Maura again and again that even good people can make mistakes and that nobody, absolutely nobody, is perfect and that there is always a reason why you look for alternation, even if you're married.

It turned out that Kathleen's lover Christian Fuller thought that she'd soon separate from her husband so that they could be happy together for the rest of their lives even though she never said something like that, let alone implied it.

The night she was murdered, Christian had ambushed her at home, insisting that they would have a happy relationship and that her marriage had failed.

She tried to make him understand that the affair was a huge mistake and that it was over whereupon he had lost his composure and had beaten her to death.

This statement led Maura to the conclusion that at some point I'd look for an affair after we had been together for years or even after we got married. Which in turn led me to the question of why I always have to be the bitch that's cheating on her partner, after all, Maura also never relished the opposite sex.

In hindsight, it would have been better to keep my mouth shut, but sometimes I have enough of being the asshole.

But as stubborn as I am, I couldn't let it go and added more fuel to the fire which led me to sleep in the guest room for a week, and today it won't be any different.

I drop onto the bed and feel how exhausted I am. I'm staring straight ahead and wonder why Maura and I are arguing about something that doesn't affect our own lives. Sure, I'd also defend my friend and believe that she could never be able to cheat on her husband but that's exactly what Kathleen has done, that's an undeniable fact we've uncovered.

I sigh and feel how the last days and today's funeral have drained me, especially the silence of Maura.

I run a hand through my hair and turn my head when the door opens slowly. I frown when Maura sticks her head into the room.

"Hi," she says almost shyly.

I blink a couple of times and take a deep breath. "Hey."

"Can I come in?"

My frown deepens because it's her house, she doesn't have to ask that, and because I sure as hell am the last person on earth who refuses admission. "Sure."

She slowly approaches the bed and is sitting down next to me. She only hesitates a little before she places her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for the things I've said to you."

I smile and kiss her head without a second thought. "I'm sorry for the things I said, too."

She meets my eyes and frowns, too. "It's just ... I thought I knew Kathleen."

"You knew her, Maura, but ... not all of her. Everyone has their secrets."

"Are you still keeping any from me?"

I have to smile and shake my head. "No, not anymore. You know me inside out."

It almost sounds like a giant stone is falling off her chest when she sighs. "Neither do I, Jane. You know my darkest side."

"In the truest sense of the word," I reply and laugh as she pinches me in the side. I take her hand in mine and say, "I missed you."

Maura's squeezing my hand. "I missed you too." She looks around and frowns once more. "Don't you want to come to bed with me?"

I am up to my feet in no time and pull her with me out of the guest room, she chuckles. "Hell, yeah."


	12. Epilogue

I heave a heavy sigh and walk impatiently and tired through the room, silently praying for some rest in the next two hours. Who am I fooling, I guess that won't happen at all. "You know, she's a great person," I mumble and furrow my brows. "I know that she'll do anything for you no matter the cost. I have seen her doing things that no other people would do for anyone." I take another deep breath and furrow my brows. "Sometimes she can be a handful but she only wants the best for you." I don't expect to get a response and I smile a little. "I know that our story can scare people off and perhaps I shouldn't have told you that already because you must think that she and I are crazy and that we can't keep our hands off each other." I stop and swallow hard before I continue. "But I can tell you that you are her everything since you came into her life and it is only fair to you to know how much we mean to each other. I know we had our ups and downs but -" I trail off and look down, my eyes lock with curious light greens and my heart jump. No, I am not talking to Maura's new boyfriend or soon-to-be husband, I'm talking to a three-months-old baby boy who refuses to sleep at all. The boy has an olive complexion and wavy brown hair. Oh boy, he's going to cause a lot of trouble when he's old enough, or even already before that.

I'm rocking him and know that won't work at all but my hope dies last. "You better don't tell your mother that I told you this story, Enzo." I say and he's cooing in response. He stole my heart right the moment I met him the very first time and then I was lost once and for all when I heard the sound for the first time. Every time Enzo is cooing or gurgling my heart jumps in delight. I take a deep breath and shake my head while I look down at the boy, still wondering how this happened. I stop rocking Enzo for a moment and furl my brows, again shaking my head. I know how this happens but it is always astonishing to hold such a little creature after all the proceeding and growing and hormonally fighting while this human is growing inside of a woman. And then, in the end, everything is forgiven and forgotten right the moment you hold this little human in your arms for the very first time.

I literally stare at Enzo and take a deep breath. "You know, Enzo, your mom is an extraordinary woman. She's very smart and kindhearted, she will do everything for you so you will be happy, kid. Sometimes she can be a little … peculiarly and then it's your job to keep her back, at least when I'm not around. And sometimes you think that your mom will embarrass you in front of your friends, but I can tell that she won't. You can be really proud to call her your mother. There is no one better in this world than her. You can, believe me, son." I nod at him and smile. "There won't be anyone in this world who will love you more than her. Sometimes it will be hard for her to show you that but you have to give your mom time than." I can see that he gets sleepy and I carefully place him in his crib. "And sometimes you have to give her a break, like right now." I tuck him in and cares his little belly. "And there is no chance in this world to stop me loving you, too," I whisper and watch his eyes falling shut slowly.

I straighten my back and take a look in the room. It took me three months and the help of my brothers to set the nursery up, I started right ahead when I got to know that Maura was pregnant. Okay, not right away. I needed a six-pack of beer and then three weeks to progress the information before I was able to start planning the nursery.

My mother was all a flutter the moment she got to know that Maura was pregnant and I had to tell her to back off before she'd squeeze Maura and the unborn child to death. My mother didn't complain about my harsh tone that time.

I look one last time for the night at the sleeping boy and turn to leave and then I freeze. I see Maura leaning against the doorpost, her arms crossed and her eyebrows raised. "Tell me that you did not tell our son the story how we got together."

I blink a few times and frown. "I did not tell our son the story of how we got together."

"Jane!" She hisses.

"What?" I whisper in a high-pitched voice and walk towards her. "You ask me to say so." I chuckle when she rolls her eyes with a huff and place my hand on her belly now, whispering, "I still can't believe that he slipped out of you."

Maura starts to snicker. "Enzo hardly slipped out of me, Jane."

I blink a couple of times again and I say, "Yes, he did." I know that he didn't, I was there, too. I fully remember the seven hours of crying out, threatening my life and my almost broken hand. I also remember that Maura repeatedly told me how much she was hating me and that she'd never forgive me for putting her through all of this. And after really painfully long seven hours Maura was holding this little miracle in her arms and she was looking at Enzo like she was silently asking where the hell he came from and then her face was full of bliss and so was my heart. I have never seen such a bright smile of hers before and I am sure that I was smiling like a Cheshire cat that moment, too.

To cut a long story short, I erased all the swearing and threats of Maura until the moment we met our son for the first time in person.

I heave a sigh when she takes my hand in hers and I can't resist the urge to run my left thumb over the wedding band that is adorning her finger. All of it still feels like a dream. Okay, some of it more like a nightmare but that's long in the past. I mean, look where we are now, four years after Maura moved Sacramento.

She smiles at me and wiggles her brows, looking past me. "You know, we always can work on a second one."

I know exactly what she means and follow her eyes. "Like right now?" I chuckle when Maura rolls her eyes and place my hands on her shoulders, turning her gently around and leading her in the direction of our living room. "I think right now we should get you some wine and me a load of beer."

I hear her chuckle and it warms my heart. Sure, we still have some arguments but during them, neither of us grab our belongings and run out of the house although sometimes I want to. But I think both of us have grown up and grown stronger together. Both of us realized that we made mistakes and we learned from them, trying to avoid them.

I still see Maura's puzzled face when I stopped my car at a valet parking of a really fancy restaurant and she asked me what we were doing there because I am not a fan of fancy placed but that night I was. At some point, we started to fight in front of the poor guy who only wanted to do his job. I hardly remember why we started fighting, I guess it was because I picked this kind of restaurant for that night even though they always make me feel uncomfortable and then I start complaining. However, at some point I had had enough, opened the glove compartment and nearly threw a little back box at Maura, telling her that actually, this was the reason why I wanted to come to this place. Maura opened the box and looked right at an engagement ring. Its nothing too big but took me two salaries, thank God I actually had some savings back then. I told Maura that I picked one of her favorite French restaurants because I had planned to propose to her. The shock was written all over her face because I said that I planned it, perhaps then she thought that I had changed my mind.

Well, that was the most romantic proposal in human history.

I lead her to the couch, turn her around again and push her gently onto the couch. "I get you a drink."

"Jane -" She starts and wants to get back to her feet but I push her back down, harder.

I point sternly at her. "Sit. Down!"

She presses her lips to a thin line and crosses her arms over her chest.

I ignore her behavior and head to the kitchen, getting a wine glass out of the cupboard and filling it with a red wine before I get myself a beer out of the fridge. "Let me take care of you sometimes, Maura," I state while carrying our drinks to the living room.

Maura rolls her eyes and takes her glass from my hands. "Jane, you don't have to."

I sigh heavily and sit down on the couch, placing her feet on my lap. "Yes, sometimes have to, and stop being so stubborn."

She smirks and sips her wine. I know exactly what she wants to say and scoff, sipping my own drink. I glance long at her and shake my head with a smile.

She frowns and asks, "What is it?"

"I still can't believe that we came this far," I answer honestly and run my hand up her shin. "I mean us being married and having a beautiful baby son. I didn't see that happen three years ago."

Maura studies me for a moment and lowers her glass. "To be honest, me neither, Jane. After all, we went through … After all, I put you through I didn't think that we actually would stand a chance."

I let the words sink in and reply slowly, "That's … very encouraging."

She chuckles but her eyes are soft. "I mean that we wouldn't come together again after all."

I take a deep breath and furrow my brows. I know exactly what she means. During Maura's pregnancy, we all were thinking that she was having a mental disease because she was actually considering to move to California and replacing once and for all her former mentor.

Honestly, I have always told her that I was born in Boston and that I'd die in Boston, and that moving to California would be out of question for me.

I tried to talk to her about her idea and to explain that I could nowhere else in the USA continue such a career as in Boston, that I would have to start from the scratch while I already have the chance to become the head of Homicide here.

I don't even remember how a normal discussion has turned into a full-blown argument.

Anyway, I ended up staying at a hotel for three weeks and my mother almost had a breakdown because she felt like she had been back in time when Tommy and Lydia didn't quite agree on who was supposed to take care of T.J, and when my little brother was ready to fight for custody.

At that time I wasn't quite sure how the whole thing would turn out and I literally spent days and nights researching what possibilities I had in such a time.

Not only Ma went crazy during this time, Tommy himself almost went off at the deep end and said that Maura could be glad that he doesn't hit women, especially pregnant women, I think I was too much in a daze that evening to react to his statement. Frankie and Nina had been the ones who gave him a warning but at the same time they agreed with Tommy.

During that time, they clearly stood behind me. Even Korsak had avoided Maura in this time or tried to avoid her as much as possible.

I think if I had given Maura a reason for this consideration, I would have been the one who would've plough a lonely furrow, but we were all assuming that things were going well between Maura and me.

Until this day I cannot explain what prompted Maura to do this, and I have never got an explanation.

I can only explain Maura's sudden change of mind by saying that our mothers, Ma, Constance, and Hope, had urged Maura to reconsider the whole thing and to consider what kind of impact this decision might have on the life of our unborn child. In any case, shortly before her departure, she had suddenly changed her mind.

Maura and I didn't get back together immediately either and I avoided her, but nothing in the world has stopped me from coming to the preventive check-up and at some point, we got closer again and left this mess behind. After all, we are two responsible people and are perfectly capable of finding solutions. I don't think that many had been surprised that we became a couple again.

I look long at Maura and can't help the smile. "You won't get rid of me that easily, Maura."

She smiles back at me and leans back. "And for that, I am really grateful."

I nod slowly. "Me too."

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 **This is it, guys. This story has come to an end but I promise that there will be a sequel because I won't leave you with such a poor ending.**

 **Anyway, I hope you like this last chapter and I want to thank you all for your kind words and your patience.**

 **Thank you all!**

 **I hope to see you at the sequel and that you will like that as much as this one.**

 **And for those who are waiting for updates of my other stories, I am working on it.**

 **Enjoy this epilogue.**

 **Lots of love,**

 **T73**


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